CartoonTales: Ian Hawke's Revenge (transcript) (Mkeane418's version)

Cast

 * Kristoff (Frozen) as Larry the Cucumber as Huckleberry Larry
 * Anna (Frozen) as Petunia Rhubarb as Becky, Huckleberry's girlfriend
 * Jimmy Neutron  as Bob the Tomato as Tomato Sawyer
 * Wreck-It Ralph as Apollo Gourd as Little Jimmy/Big Jim
 * Ian Hawke (Alvin and the Chipmunks) as Mr. Nezzer as Mr. Dooley
 * Wallace (Wallace & Gromit) as Grandpa George as Clark Wayne
 * Mike Wazowski (Monsters, Inc .) as Jean-Claude as Chato
 * SpongeBob SquarePants  as Jimmy Gourd as the King
 * Patrick Star (SpongeBob SquarePants) as Jerry Gourd as the Duke
 * Uncle Traveling Matt (Fraggle Rock ) as Scooter as Otto
 * King Candy (Wreck-it Ralph) as Mr. Lunt as Haman (cameo)
 * Alvin, Simon and Theodore Seville (Alvin and the Chipmunks) as The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything (voice-over)
 * Woody (Toy Story) as Archibald Asparagus as Dustin
 * Patchy the Pirate (SpongeBob SquarePants) as Silas (cameo)
 * Mung Daal (Chowder) as Chog Norrius as the Warden
 * Gloria (Madagascar) as Madame Blueberry as the Warden's Wife
 * Kermit the Frog  (Muppets) as Pa Grape as Jonathan
 * Timmy Turner (The Fairly OddParents) as Junior Asparagus as Barney (W/ Cosmo, Wanda, Poof (The Fairly OddParents for extras)
 * Dudley Puppy (T.U.F.F. Puppy) as Steve
 * Brittany, Jeanette and Eleanor Miller (Alvin and the Chipmunks) as The Pea Cheerleaders
 * Marshmallow (Frozen) and Lord Hater (Wander Over Yonder) as the Guards

Chapter 3: Back to the Mighty Mississippi

 * (JimmyandFriends's Entertainment presents shows up)
 * (People walk out of a theater)
 * (The marquee reads "Now Playing - CartoonTales: A Very Cartoon Chipmunk Christmas (an anime thing for the next episode) - 1:00, 3:00, 5:45, 7:30, 10:30")
 * Uncle Traveling Matt: That was a lousy movie!
 * Mung Daal: You're telling me. That silly elf flew in an aircraft with gum instead of glue.
 * Gloria: They should have had time to use the glue.
 * Uncle Traveling Matt: No wonder why they had the former elf thrown in jail!
 * Mung Daal: That harmonica appeared outta nowhere. For the last part of that one!
 * (Title "Ian Hawke's Revenge" shows up)
 * Wallace: Oh--hello, there. Glad you could stop by. I'm Wallace--storyteller. It's a perfect night for a story, don't you think? A story set on the Big River. Yes, the Mississippi River. From the woods of northern Minnesota to New Orleans. They say a drop of water that falls into Lake Itasca way up here, will be in the Gulf of Mexico 90 days later. Of course, most people like to get down the river a little quicker than that.  This is a story about just a fella--and to tell it, we're going to have to take a little trip down the old river ourselves. [got onto the boat and turned to his Indian guide] Hello, Wazowksi.
 * Mike Wazowski: [with a French accent] 'Allo Kimosabe.
 * Wallace: Not a soul out here at night. We should have the river all to ourselves.
 * [crows gawking]
 * [music]
 * Wallace:  ♪ Oh, the mighty Mississippi-- 'It's flowin' strong & wide. 'Just me and you in an old canoe, 'with a trusty Indian guide-- 'Yeah, my trusty Indian guide. ♪
 * Mike: [French accent] I prefer the term "Native American."
 * Wallace: Eh... did you say something?
 * Mike: [hear Brittany Miller's voice]
 * Brittany Miller: [offscreen] Ready--Okay!
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">[Then Wallace and Mike saw the another boat approached and went past them with the trio of the female cheerleader chipmunks in it]
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">The Chipettes: [quick tempo cheer] Gonna take a trip on the mighty Mississipp-- Gonna take a little trippy on the mighty Mississippi! [cheering]
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Wallace: Must be a slumber party. [playing his banjo and sing] ♪  Gonna take a trip on the Mississip-- 'Gonna take a little trippy on the mighty Mississippi. 'Gonna take a trip on the Mississip-- 'Gonna take a little trippy on the mighty Mississippi. 'Oh, the mighty Mississippi-- 'It's flowin' strong & wide. 'Just me and you in an old canoe, with a trusty Indian gui...<span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">♪ <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">[speaking] Oh, I'm sorry.  <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">[singing]  ♪ With my trusty Native American guide! ♪
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Wallace and Mike: [singing]  ♪ Gonna take a trip on the Mississip-- 'Gonna take a little trippy on the mighty Mississippi. 'Gonna take a trip-- ♪ 
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Mike: [stopped singing]
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Wallace: [voiceover in offscreen] Not so loud, Mike.
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Mike Wazowski: [made a skeptical face at him]
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Wallace: This is where our story starts...

Chapter 4: A New Generation

 * Wallace: It had all started when it was after Jimmy Neutron and Kristoff had helped Wreck-it Ralph return to his mother. They returned home and saw that Kristoff and Jimmy had nothing left. Just as I said, I had a piece of land by the river which was "chicken-free" and I told them that they could set up their businesses.
 * Kristoff: Hee-yah!
 * Jimmy Neutron: Oh, Kristoff; you shouldn't sneak up on a man like that. You'd get hurt.
 * Kristoff: Now, go back to sleep.
 * Jimmy Neutron: No wait. There's a problem, Kristoff.
 * Kristoff: What? What is it?
 * Jimmy Neutron: The moon! The moon's been kidnapped! People can't go to bed. No more dinner! The moon has been kidnapped!
 * Kristoff: (overly irritated) Jimmy Neutron, the moon being gone is NOT the problem. Jimmy, it's... the middle of the afternoon!
 * Jimmy Neutron: I see.
 * Kristoff: The problem is... Ralph. Wreck-it Ralph... is in grave danger. Truely, you've been... (sobs quietly) Oh, Jimmy, my friend.
 * Jimmy Neutron: Get a hold of yourself, Huckleberry Kristoff.
 * Kristoff: There is this gate right there. Right behind your tax service. "The Eastern Gate". The weekpoint of your defensive network. Your job is to not let those villianous scum get through to Ralph. (hops off)
 * Jimmy Neutron: Come back, Kristoff! Heal! Heal!
 * Kristoff: (saw a blue-hooded white person's head standing in a not moveable car) What are you looking at, you person inside? You are not doing anything. You're just sitting there going, "DUH!" I hate you, you stupid person. (grunts)
 * Guy in Car: Uhh, what are you doing? Put me down!
 * (SPLASH!)
 * Guy in Car: Hey, I'm going swimming!
 * Kristoff: Did you hear what I said? (throws a boulder into the river) You are doing absolutely nothing! Zilch! Nada!
 * Guy in Car: If that's how you feel, then I'm gonna row away. (rows into the Gulf of Mexico)
 * Wallace: The way Kristoff handled that guy was by sending him up the river. That started a new generation for Kristoff.
 * Kristoff: How can that happen if he can't swim?
 * Wreck-It Ralph: Air mail!
 * Jimmy Neutron: He employed three boys! (shows them a prototype version of the three boys from the upcoming Isabella's Great Escape adventure)
 * Kristoff: They look like old men.
 * Jimmy Neutron: That is strange...

Chapter 5: Ian Hawke Escapes from Prison

 * Kristoff: (reading from a book) And so the pig and Bowser brought the boy back to his family at the bowling alley, and everyone died. The end.
 * Jimmy Neutron: Wait, did you just say "Bowser?"
 * Kristoff: Yeah. Let's string him up because of air mail. He also employed the three boys.
 * Anna: Or maybe we should do something to bolster Bowser.
 * Wallace: One evening, Kristoff and Anna went to check on the police. Ian Hawke escaped from prison.
 * Ian Hawke: Alright. We're gonna take over America and we can use it for our own good!
 * Kristoff: (faints)
 * (Police car drives)
 * Chipmunks: (on radio) We're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything...
 * Wayne: (turns off radio) Good heavens! Sweetpea Anna and her friend, Prince Kristoff are spying on Ian! I'd better tell Woody, and he'll try to kill me! (Kristoff shoots a rock at one of the police car's tires, and he falls into the river and sails away)
 * Kristoff: (holds up a picture of Sweetpea Anna and Prince Kristoff) I'm always gonna keep this on mempus times.

Chapter 6: Jimmy Neutron Gets Kidnapped

 * Wallace: By June or, I think, July of 1924, Jimmy Neutron went to speak with the evil gang of cartoons. And it was time for Kristoff - the green roly-poly river rambler - to see if he was believable to become an action hero. To bolster his appeal, they decided to do a television show of Kristoff's life on the Mississippi River. But due to some problems, including the kidnapping of Jimmy Neutron, the TV show was cancelled. So they did something else to bolster Kristoff's appeal, instead. A few of them recorded reruns of each episode in the postponed television series.
 * Ralph: That's the most dumbest thing I ever heard in my life.
 * Kristoff: Jimmy Neutron has been kidnapped. By that gang of cartoons. Let's go after them.
 * Anna: I know that. Jimmy Neutron is not being such a friend to them.
 * Wallace: Now, this was a pickle. Kristoff, Anna, SpongeBob and Patrick and the others sailed off.
 * (SMACK!)
 * Wallace: Ian Hawke, Jimmy Neutron and the evil guys were watching the slaves act out the next CartoonTales production, "Abe &amp; The Amazingly Awful Promise". Kermit was hurting Woody - in which played a character which matched his current personality to a P, and was named "Abraham" - with a fish.
 * Kermit: Did you do it!
 * Woody: Be quiet, I'm not answering to no ninny.
 * Kermit: Touch my food again, and you'll be worse.

Chapter 6: Information from Two Dudes at a Bar

 * Wallace: Anna, Kristoff, Ralph and the others sailed up to a bar. They went inside and saw lots of weird stuff going on. People were licking their food like popsicles, making very odd bets, throwing up and vomiting all over, and trying to hit on Anna and Kristoff. There were even bands playing loud, rock music.
 * Kristoff: They look jolly.
 * Anna: But they don't sound so jolly.
 * Wallace: Kristoff pulled them up to the counter, and saw two clerks.
 * Clerk 1: It's getting pretty cool to see you get out of work.
 * Clerk 2: It's no laughing matter that Ian Hawke has kidnapped your friend, Huckleberry Kristoff.
 * Anna: Three words, men. Beware peer pressure!
 * Kristoff: Can you get us fourteen bottles of Ian's concotion?
 * Wallace: So the clerks gave Kristoff a bag with the drink in exactly 14 bottles in it.
 * Kristoff: That will give the evil guys a taste of this.
 * Clerks: Alrighty! Let's just close our little eyes...
 * Kristoff: How do we do that?
 * Anna: You just have to get - funky. With tossing Frisbee style. And funkier music.
 * Kristoff: I'll get funky if I just have to close my eyes.

Chapter 5: Unwanted Visitors

 * (Stage curtain opens to reveal Anna and Kristoff)
 * (Crowd cheers)
 * Anna: Maybe throwing these bottles around will help you restore your brain damage, and we'll do it... funky.
 * Kristoff: It will also help you recover your vomiting and stuff. Cue the disco music, and lights!
 * (Disco music plays backwards as they toss bottles around)
 * Clerks: Thank you for doing that. We'll give you a million dollars.
 * SpongeBob: We stole those donuts from that baker and he chased us.
 * Patrick: Yeah. He was mean.
 * Kristoff: Come on, everyone.
 * Anna: Hang on, Jimmy Neutron.
 * Ralph: Help is on the way!
 * Ian Hawke: Oh, so are the visitors. You may call me "Ian the Powerful."
 * Kristoff: Well, you certainly aren't "Ian the Leave-Us Alone".
 * Jimmy Neutron: Kristoff, you're gonna free me.
 * Ian Hawke: Should we interrogate them? They're unexpected visitors.
 * Jimmy Neutron: Or even throw them in a cell?
 * Uncle Traveling Matt and Dudley: Agreed!
 * Ian Hawke: And why would you think that?
 * Kristoff: Wouldn't you like to know.
 * Ian Hawke: Yes. That's what I asked.
 * (Two buff guards took Kristoff to a mirror)
 * Ian Hawke: You sure are a TERRIBLE man!
 * Kristoff: I wish I was the best. They say I'd be out in the West. I doubt it. I should think about enjoying, to being a strange man.
 * Ian Hawke: You aren't in my control! And I could kill you!
 * Marshmallow: Hey, boss!
 * Lord Hater: Can't you see we're taunting a cucumber?
 * Marshmallow: But, look at me! I'm wearing a crown!
 * (Flasback)
 * Chester V: Look! She befriends the Prince!
 * Wanda: Aah! You have hands. When did you grow hands?
 * Chester V: I, uh, always had hands.
 * Wanda: I think I'd notice a mirror with hands.
 * Chester V: You're missing the point. Sweetpea's attempting to trek her way into your kingdom through your son!
 * (The flashback ends, but a similar one pops up)
 * Kristoff: You might as well give up, Chester! You're never gonna reach that...crown.
 * Chester V: Don't anyone move!
 * (scatting)
 * Kristoff: Mom! He's gonna drop Sweetpea!
 * Chester V: Face it, Wanda! <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">You will never be as beautiful as Sweetpea... as long as she lives.
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Kristoff: Mom, do something!
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">(Flashback ends)
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Kristoff: Well, you can't have my friend!
 * <span style="color:rgb(44,54,53);font-family:Verdana,sans-serif;font-size:13px;line-height:19.5px;">Ian Hawke: We'll see about that!

Chapter 6: Jail Time

 * Wallace: They were taken to the dungeon. Kristoff thinks it was time for him to sing the blues. (Kristoff, Anna and Wreck-it Ralph sat on a prison bench)
 * Kristoff: How do we escape?
 * SpongeBob: The cell walls are three and a half feet thick, lined with lead and a mile underground, this little hideaway is the ultimate in solitude.
 * Patrick: Yeah. Solitude.
 * Anna: How about we spit out some blueprints and, I think, a list of all the exits?
 * Kristoff: Oh, that's a great idea! Although, I can't live on food like this. There's not even a turkey jerky! (drops bottle of champange)
 * Timmy: I'll help you work together.
 * Kristoff: Huh? Ian Hawke is locking up children? No way!
 * Timmy: I'm not locked in here. I am Kermit's nephew.
 * Kristoff: It has been - the worst day of my life. I should have been gotten through some strife. I think they should do what I should not do what I wanted.

Chapter 7: Unlocking the Power of Teamwork

 * Kristoff: (unlocks the gates)
 * Wallace: The other guys went to bed and they grabbed Jimmy Neutron and went to their little raft, which was just the sign for the lumber camp that Ralph escaped from.
 * Ian Hawke: There they are! They left. We're going after them.
 * Wallace: With the evil men on the loose, Ian Hawke chased after them. They were chased down the river. They ran into pillows, red paint and flour. And they all had clown makeup on.
 * Kristoff: Oh...
 * Anna: ...dear.
 * (They flew away from Ian)

Chapter 8: You Win Some, You Lose Some

 * Marshmallow: Look, sir! They're launching a shuttle.
 * Lord Hater: And they're taking a board off their raft.
 * Ian: I don't get it. Oh, I just want to die. I think I would cry. It was because of that pickle and his rhubarb friend who tossed bottles of champange around to people in a lousy old diner.
 * Kristoff: Huckleberry Kristoff's Log: Stardate - Four-seven-zero-two. We have stopped Ian Hawke and we lost power of his head.

Chapter 11: Jimmy and Kristoff Win the Battle

 * Wallace: Kristoff, Jimmy Neutron, and the others got on a crafted boat in the middle of the stage at a dinner theater. Everyone was in their seats, and the pirates were still acting on the ship.
 * Kristoff: It has been a long time. Those chipmunk guys worked here before they failed an audition, and broke the restaurant.
 * (Siren breaks)
 * Announcer: Everyone, head to your stations. Ian is coming in.
 * (All the pirates jump into the water)
 * (SPLASH!)
 * Kristoff: I can't do this on my own! I can't do this on my own. I have to think of what I was to send them home. I'm responsible. For delaying the commands. And I want to lodge a complaint, but no.
 * (Ian Hawke hops up on the big plank)
 * Anna: Kristoff! The ball!
 * Kristoff: (holds metal ball) It's blinking!
 * Ian Hawke: (Screams)
 * Kristoff: Every bad person, back to prison for you.
 * Ian Hawke, and the evil cartoons: Oh boy.
 * (WHOOSH!)
 * Mr. Bunny: Oh brother! This guy stinks!
 * Mr. Turner: Boo! Go take a walk off a cliff!
 * Woody: He's my hero.
 * Kermit: Think it's true.
 * Various Cartoon People: Get off the stage! You stink!
 * Patchy: That's remarkable.
 * Bert: Give him the hook!
 * Wallace: Everyone booed. Kristoff and Anna had learned that we can work together, we can be finished.
 * Kristoff: Life has plenty...
 * Anna: ...of adventure on its own.

Chapter 12: What We Learned

 * Kristoff: Hey, there. We had quite an adventure today, didn't we? That was a wild river one! We're here to wrap the story up with a verse. Jimmy, do you have the verse about what happened today?
 * Cowboy Singers: And so what we have learned applies to our lives today, and God has a lot to say in his book.
 * Jimmy Neutron: As a matter of fact, I do.
 * Cowboy Singers: You see we know that God's word is for everyone, now that our song is done, we'll take a look.
 * Jimmy Neutron: It's coming up on the screen right now.
 * Kristoff: Here. Take a look at this. "Love is patient, love is kind." 1 Corinthians 13:4. Hmm. So the Bible says that we have to face the hard difficult times we need.
 * Jimmy Neutron: Oh, is that right!
 * Kristoff: Remember, God can work all things out for good and if we have enough power to spare, we have enough to share. And if you can do that, you can grow up to become smart and helpful.
 * Jimmy Neutron: Bye!
 * Kristoff: Bye! (turns off screen)

Chapter 13: Credits

 * Wallace: It was a great Christmas.
 * Kristoff: Eh, no wait. Oh never mind.
 * Wallace: (screams)
 * Directed by JimmyandFriends
 * Written by John A. Davis and Taylor R. Smith
 * Produced by John Lasseter, Chris Meledandri
 * Musical Score Composed and Produced by Kurt Heinecke
 * (JimmyandFriends's Entertainment shows up)