Between The Lions: Alphabet Soup Jokes


 * 1) Apart from Tuesday, what two days begin with the letter T? Thursday and TOMORROW.
 * 2) How do astronauts keep clean in space? They take meteor SHOWERS.
 * 3) How do leopards stop a VCR? They press the PAWS button.
 * 4) How do you communicate with a fish? Drop her a LINE.
 * 5) How do you fix a broken chimp? With a MONKEY wrench.
 * 6) How do you keep a skunk from smelling? You hold its NOSE.
 * 7) How do you know that the ocean is friendly? It WAVES.
 * 8) How do you know when a giraffe is in your bed? By the big G on his PAJAMAS.
 * 9) How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away its credit CARD.
 * 10) How many oranges grow on a tree? ALL of them.
 * 11) What are monkeys' favorite cookies? Chocolate CHIMP cookies.
 * 12) What are two things you can't have for breakfast? Lunch and DINNER.
 * 13) What did Delaware? A NEW Jersey.
 * 14) What did Dollar Bill name his daughter? PENNY.
 * 15) What did one centipede say to the other? Ow! You stepped on my FOOT, my foot, my foot, my foot...
 * 16) What did the attorney name her daughter? SUE.
 * 17) What did the bee say to the flowers? What time do you OPEN?
 * 18) What did the calendar maker name her daughters? April, May, and JUNE.
 * 19) What did the duck say to the rooster in the morning? QUACK a doodle do.
 * 20) What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? Put it on my BILL.
 * 21) What did the fire say to the firefighter? Take me to your LADDER.
 * 22) What did the grape say when it was squashed? Nothing. It just gave out a little WHINE.
 * 23) What did the hot dog say when he finished the race? I'm the WIENER.
 * 24) What did the judge say when the skunk entered the courtroom? ODOR in the court.
 * 25) What did the tablecloth say to the table? I've got you COVERED.
 * 26) What do pigs use to write top-secret messages? Invisible OINK.
 * 27) What do you call a bee who buzzes very quietly? A MUMBLE bee.
 * 28) What do you call a guy who lives on your doorstep? MAT.
 * 29) What do you call a skeleton that sleeps all day? LAZY bones.
 * 30) What do you call baby cats who live in a skyscraper? KITTENS.
 * 31) What do you do if your dog chews the backseat of your car? You put her in the FRONT seat.
 * 32) What does a ghost like to spread on its bagels? SCREAM cheese.
 * 33) What furniture polish do schools use? PLEDGE of Allegiance.
 * 34) What group did the three little pigs join? The boy SNOUTS.
 * 35) What happens if you don't clean your mirror? You get a dirty LOOK.
 * 36) What is an octopus? An eight-sided CAT.
 * 37) What is small, gray and has an enormous trunk? A MOUSE going on vacatio n.
 * 38) What is something that gives milk and has only one horn? A milk TRUCK.
 * 39) What is the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb a TREE and act like a nut.
 * 40) What is the difference between a color TV and a newspaper? You can't SWAT a fly with a color television.
 * 41) What is the favorite year for a kangaroo? LEAP year.
 * 42) What is the hardest way to eat spaghetti? Through a STRAW.
 * 43) What is the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles, because there is a MILE between the first and last letters.
 * 44) What kind of bow is impossible to tie? A RAINBOW.
 * 45) What kind of phones do prisoners use? CELL phones.
 * 46) What metal do burglars like best? STEEL.
 * 47) What sea creature is always grumpy? A CRAB.
 * 48) What stays hot in the refrigerator? MUSTARD.
 * 49) What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch? Time to BUY a new watch.
 * 50) What's in the middle of nowhere? The LETTER H.
 * 51) What's smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling BEE.
 * 52) What's the safest part of a haunted house? The LIVING room.
 * 53) When is a basketball like a baby? When it DRIBBLES.
 * 54) When is it time to go to the dentist? TOOTH hurty.
 * 55) Where are the biggest diamonds in the world? In baseball PARKS.
 * 56) Where did the cow go on Saturday night? To the MOOOOOVIES.
 * 57) Where did the dentist go on her vacation. To the MOUTH of the Mississippi.
 * 58) Where did the spaghetti go to dance? To a MEATBALL.
 * 59) Where do snowflakes dance? At the SNOWBALL.
 * 60) Where does a snowman put his money? In a snow BANK.
 * 61) Which animal eats with its tail? All of them, because none takes it OFF to eat.
 * 62) Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday, because the others are WEAK days.
 * 63) Which knight designed King Arthur's round table? SIR Cumference.
 * 64) Which president has the sharpest teeth? JAWS Washington.
 * 65) Which two keys are too big to fit in your pockets? A monkey and a DONKEY.
 * 66) Why can't monkeys play cards in the jungle? There are too many CHEETAHS.
 * 67) Why couldn't Cinderella play sports? She always ran away from the BALL.
 * 68) Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance? It was a MOTH ball.
 * 69) Why did the chef run out of the kitchen? The cookbook said to crack an egg, then BEAT it.
 * 70) Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE.
 * 71) Why did the dinosaur cross the road? CHICKENS weren't invented yet.
 * 72) Why did the elephant have a terrible vacation? The airline lost his TRUNK.
 * 73) Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? To keep from falling into the HOT chocolate.
 * 74) Why did the girl eat her homework? Her teacher told her it was a piece of CAKE.
 * 75) Why did the hippopotamus cross the road? It was the chicken's DAY off.
 * 76) Why did the lion want to eat the tightrope walker? To have a well-balanced MEAL.
 * 77) Why do giraffes have long necks? Their feet SMELL.
 * 78) Why do magnets make such good friends? They always STICK together.
 * 79) Why do rhinos have so many wrinkles? Rhinos are very hard to IRON.
 * 80) Why is crossing a road like music? You will B flat if you don't C SHARP.
 * 81) Why isn't it safe to tell secrets on a farm? The CORN has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.
 * 82) Why was the little snake happy that he wasn't poisonous? He just BIT his tongue.
 * 83) Why was the math textbook very sad? It had so many PROBLEMS.
 * 84) Why will sharks eat anything but clowns? They taste FUNNY.