Muppets/Grouch (from The Electric Company)

Cast

 * George the Janitor as J. Arthur Crank
 * Sam the Eagle as Oscar the Grouch
 * Leo as The Salesman

Lyrics
George the Janitor: Look, I told you, "No!" N-O, No! Now don't bother me, I don't want no vacuum cleaners and I don't want no encyclopedias. Now get out of here! I've got company in the house!

Leo: Okay, okay. Don't get mad about it. Hey listen, tell me. Why are you so nasty anyways?

George the Janitor: None of your business! Get out!

Leo: But can I sell you something?

George the Janitor: When some nitwit ask me why, I act the way I do. I don't take the credit, or a claim, I just think about the guy who taught me all I know, 'cause you're the one who should get all the blame.

Sam the Eagle: George, if you say anything nice, I'm going to get sick.

George the Janitor: Sam the Eagle.

Sam the Eagle: I'm warning you.

George the Janitor: Sam the Eagle. Sam the Eagle.

Sam the Eagle: That's me, all right.

George the Janitor: You're my favorite dude in a whole world of rude.

Sam the Eagle: I'm getting yucky.

George the Janitor: Sam, you wonderful eagle.

Sam the Eagle: Phooey.

George the Janitor: (laughing) Sam, you're always very rotten.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah, I have to be, now you're getting better.

George the Janitor: Sam, you make your neighbors wince.

Sam the Eagle: That's what a grouch has to do.

George the Janitor: And when it comes to luckiness.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah.

George the Janitor: Pally, you're a prince.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah, well, you ain't so bad yourself.

George the Janitor: Ow! Sam, you laugh when you see people.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah, people doing what?

George the Janitor: Slipping down on banana peels.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah, yeah, well, that's funny, you know.

George the Janitor: I'm proud to say I know first-hand just how that feeling feels.

Sam the Eagle: You know, you got an awful voice.

George the Janitor: Oh yeah, wise guy? Well, let me hear you try it if you're so great.

Sam the Eagle: Sam the Eagle.

George the Janitor: You called that singing?

Sam the Eagle: Sam the Eagle.

George the Janitor: I've got shoes that sing better than that.

Sam the Eagle: Sam the Eagle. That's me. Heh, heh, heh. I will always be first when the worst comes to worst. Sam the wonderful eagle.

George the Janitor: Oh, boy, boy, boy. That was really bad.

Sam the Eagle: Hey thanks. Just for that, I'm going to give you something, George.

George the Janitor: You're going to give me something? What's that?

Sam the Eagle: Yeah. Rotten lessons.

George the Janitor: Rotten lessons?

Sam the Eagle: Yeah. I'm going to show you how to scowl.

George the Janitor: Hey, terrific. Yeah.

Sam the Eagle: Okay, watch this.

George the Janitor: Go ahead.

Sam the Eagle: (groan) Now try that.

George the Janitor: Oh, yeah, yeah. Wait, let me....(groan) Huh? How's that?

Sam the Eagle: Eh, just knock off the smile at the end there.

George the Janitor: Oh yeah, yeah. I did that pretty good, huh?

Sam the Eagle: Yeah, yeah. Well, you're coming along there.

George the Janitor: I had nails for breakfast, you know that?

Sam the Eagle: Yeah, yeah, well, it helps.

George the Janitor: You know, each time your father buys some nut.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah? Look who's talking...

George the Janitor: I love the way you drop right down and slam your trash can shut.

Sam the Eagle: I like to do that right now.

George the Janitor: Sam, you're gorgeous.

Sam the Eagle: (groan)

George the Janitor: When you're frowning. Compared to you, Grumpy the dwarf is a clown.

Sam the Eagle: Really start on the mellow, you know.

George the Janitor and Sam the Eagle : Sam the Eagle Sam the Eagle Sam the Eagle

George the Janitor: Now I love your advice.

Sam the Eagle: George, don't ever act nice.

George the Janitor: Sam, you wonderful eagle. You're a crab through and through.

Sam the Eagle: I'm a crumb. I'm the flu.

George the Janitor: You're dingy and mean.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah! I'm the number thirteen.

George the Janitor: You're a stale piece of ice.

Sam the Eagle: The same to you twice.

George the Janitor: (laughing)

George the Janitor and Sam the Eagle : Sam the Wonderful Eagle.

George the Janitor: Eh, how do you like the song?

Sam the Eagle: It was rotten.

George the Janitor: Yeah, wasn't it?

Sam the Eagle: It was terrible.

George the Janitor: Yeah, I know.

Sam the Eagle: That's the worst song I've ever heard.

George the Janitor: Yeah, that was one that we're working at.

Sam the Eagle: Yeah. Can I have a coffee?

George the Janitor: Oh, yeah. We've got coffees all over the place. I've got...