A Sorrowful Soliloquy: A Curb Your Enthusiasm Fan-Fiction

A Sorrowful Soliloquy: A very wacky, off-the-walls Curb romp starring beloved curmudgeon Larry David and his pal Leon Black!

The Story
It was a yet another unfortunate day for Lawrence Gene David. It seemed lately that all his days were sad and uneventful. No longer was he a quirky bald man disrupting societal issues, but a miserable bald man who lost all need to leave the house. He didn’t even have a wife or girlfriend at his side. Larry was known for his curmudgeon-persona, but this was serious. He was nothing but a hollow husk of sorrow and suffering. His best friend and agent Jeff Greene was incarcerated in an isolated prison on a far-away island because he murdered his wife Susie in a fit of rage. The two have had years of marital discourse, so it seemed inevitable one would snap and off the other. No one suspected the jolly, golf-loving agent to do so, however. Larry’s other good friends Jerry Seinfeld and Richard Lewis died after they each drank poisonous cups of coffee given to them by the no-good, sadistic, maniacal Mocha Joe. Larry’s cousin Andy was also lost in a plane-crash, and his other friend Marty Funkhouser had gone missing. On top of all this, he no longer spoke to Ted Danson for taking away his ex-wife Cheryl to harvest her organs to sacrifice to the Dark Prince Beelzebub. Just how could he speak to that pompous, fake actor after pulling a stunt like this? There were countless other friends who were driven away in the past by Larry’s regretful narcissistic behavior, and all of his relatives were dead. Larry did have other people whom he referred to as “friends” but they lived far away and rarely came around to visit. The only one of his friends who was still around whom he still talked to was his roomate, Leon Black.

Things weren’t going well for Leon Black either. Leon’s sister Loretta died of cancer a few years prior, while his surviving family moved back to their native home of New Orleans and largely distanced themselves from him. Leon also desired for a more intimate connection with a romantic partner in recent times, but his own lusty desires and affairs with multiple women prevented this. No “honies” or “boos” dropped by to see Leon anymore nor could he attract them. He was in a particularly dire rut that was going nowhere in life. Leon was once a joyful, uproarious figure but that was gone. He was bitter and miserable. All he had was Larry, whom he had affectionately nicknamed “L.D”. The one thing that kept Larry and Leon’s house floating was money from Seinfeld reruns and royalties from Hulu for running the show.

On this sad day Larry sat in his chair watching The Banana Splits Show, contemplating life’s lost logic. “What even is the meaning of life?” he pondered this sorrowful soliloquy aloud. Larry concluded that he was nothing but a mindless chess-piece who was being played by a higher-power in this endless game of mortality. There was no ultimate endgame, except perhaps the sweet release of death. Larry knew his time was nearing as his Groats disease advanced, but decided that he needed to to get one more thing out of the way before his demise: homosexual sex with Leon.

“Leon, come with me into my bedroom!” Larry yelled as he ran to his bedroom at Sonic the Hedgehog-like speed. Speaking of which, you should go see the Sonic the Hedgehog movie in theaters February 14th, 2020 (or if you’re reading this after the theatrical release go watch it on DVD, Blu-Ray, or iTunes). “Ayo L.D, I’m getting my ass up in there!” the black womanizer replied. Once the two were in the room, Larry got down to business. “Leon, old friend, my time in this mortal realm is nearing its conclusion. There is one thing I want you to do for me before I depart, pleasure me. I love you Leon Black, I’ve been holding in the urge to fuck you hard for years. I want you to give me one last ounce of pleasure so I can depart the Earth a better man.” he told his old friend. “Ayo anything for you L.D, I love you too man. I’ll get in yo ass!” Leon replied.

Leon pushed Larry to the bed and removed his pants, as well as Larry’s. Leon then made out with Larry very passionately, the old bald man blushed. Leon then thrust his long, erect black cock into Larry’s pale caucasian ass. Larry moaned in absolute delight as Leon pumped his fluids into Larry’s ass. For the first time in a long time, the two felt legitimate happiness. They had achieved the ultimate orgasam. This lasted for a full two hours. Leon later removed his cock from Larry’s ass, the two taking heavy deep breaths. Larry then said “Leon.. thank you for giving me.. happiness for once in my life. At long last my sorrowful existence has come to an end. I love... you...”. Larry then died right there on the bed. Leon shed a tear. “I love you too man, rest well.”

Leon arranged Larry’s funeral as an open-invite event. Fans of his work were invited to come pay their respects but in the end, attendance was very low. The people who came to the occasion were Leon, Ted Danson (so he could take Larry’s organs to gift to the Prince of Darkness Beelzebub), Garfield creator Jim Davis, Super Teen Extraordinaire Freakazoid, and Pig from the critically-acclaimed Nickelodeon hit Back at the Barnyard. The latter three were Larry’s distant friends who finally came around to visit. They regretted not seeing him more in his lifetime.

Leon Black lived out some of the remainder of his days inheriting Larry’s estate, he got Seinfeld rerun and streaming money. He was the sole survivor of the extinction of humanity in 2038. The Crab People who lived beneath the Earth took him in to live in their underground society, it was safer down there. Leon’s life was happier with the Crab People, he even married a Crab Person and had billions of children and grandchildren who were Crab People-Human hybrids. He died peacefully at 420 years old.

Directed by

ROBERT B. WEIDE