Pulse Music

Pulse Music is a large general music forum. Currently, there are over 5,000,000,000,000,000,00,000,000 registered members. Pulse Music is well known for its easily accessible chart information from the likes of Billwhore and Mediapayola. Many members are notorious for starting music conspiracies about the state of pop and rhythmic radio, payola and the major-label domination of radio.

Also notable is the annual Pulse Members Awards ceremony, which last year yielded well over 3 million unique hits, or in fanspeak, a lot more people than will buy My December.

=Cautionary Warnings=

'''SOUNDCHECK AND SOUNDLOADED ARE FLOPS! AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS!!!'''

The Great Payola of 2005
In late 2005, two members by the names of Captain Oats and KiKiMets had become admins and controlled the forums as they saw fit. As a result, millions of members had been banned by their tyrant regime. Afterwards it had been revealed that Sony BMG had been payolaing them for their actions. As the two basked in their billions and billions of dollars, as of three months ago the money had simply vanished. Investigators believe the money had been used for promoting Candyman by Christina Aguilera. KiKiMets has since assumed the identity of Joyce Drake.

July 05, 2007 Controversy
On July 05, 2007, controversy broke out on Pulse Music as the Pulse Music Uncyclopedia entry eroded from a humorous outlet to a mean spirited backlash, where many posters showed their true colors and insulted others with rude edits. This was not the original goal of the creator of the page, RuRu Sanchez. The identities of the mean spirited commenters have not been identified (except for XNS who confessed), though several ex-members and emo kids are suspected. The effects of the controversy left a normally strong Oscillations very depressed and sitting in a pool of her own tears.

RuRu Sperm Drive Donor Auditions
This Saturday, RuRu Sanchez will be holding auditions for sperm donors in the CHR/Pop forum. If you are interested please come promptly at 5 PM and bring a 75 dollar check for processing fees and a 48 ounce sample of your jizz.

'''NOTE: If you come with a margarita, RuRu will have you moved to the front of the line immediately. '''

Professor XXIX wants to try out because he's sick of being Reese's concubine, and wants to be her boyfriend, but Reese refuses. Reese is content having a boyfriend, a husband, and sleeping with random men from the streets, but she doesn't want to lose her beloved concubine, so she is going to try to lead Professor XXIX into the Country or CHR/Rhythmic forum and hopes he misses the audition. If you see him there, confused, please direct to the correct forum.

Callbacks
RuRu would like to see the following people again in making her final decision as to whose jizz will be inseminated within her.


 * Kid Pulse
 * John77
 * Winner2K
 * DJ General
 * Britnasty
 * Reese
 * Jordan
 * David
 * 2m
 * MyLastView
 * Tortuga
 * Rob64

Results

 * Kid Pulse - Was incapable of producing a sample
 * John77 - Complained about taking too long so he was given a picture of Carrie Underwood. Then he finished.
 * Winner2k - Didn't show
 * DJ General - Was dismissed when he was incapable of deciding on his age and gender
 * Britnasty - Was cool with it until he learned it would create a baby
 * Reese - Was born female and currently has a penis. However, couldn't produce sperm. So s/he was dismissed.
 * Jordan - Produced a great amount of sperm
 * David - Took about 30 mins, but brought in fantastic results. However, turned away later because RuRu didn't want her baby to be a midget. Britnasty drank the leftovers
 * 2m - Laughed at everyone incapable and told them it wasn't ever gonna happen
 * MyLastView - Turned away for being too young
 * Tortuga - Brought in amazing results
 * Rob64 - Was shooting blanks

U+Ur Bible Relocation Backlash
On July 6, 2007, the U + Ur Bible thread was moved from its home in the CHR/Pop forum into the Lounge forum, much to the anger of Joyce fans. A revolution broke out, led by a pissed off David The Alaskan, demanding answers, and calling out Gigga and Slinky. Max intervened and stated that he may have moved it. That was enough for the angry crowd and he was brutally lynched by the mob and hung on a peach tree. Reese managed to escape with minor injuries but lost some of her fingers.

July 09, 2007 post quota controversy
On July 9, 2007, because of problems with the excessive size of Pulse Music Board on the Proboards servers, it was announced that the accounts of the first 20 members who post more than 50 times over a 24-hour period will be deleted. To create space and remedy the situation, a killing spree was started by the administrators among the least active members, resulting in the digital death of more than 200 posters.

The first member to surpass the new posting quota was WOMEN R HOT, who posted more than 50 times in his/her first 6 hours immediately after joining Pulse Music. It is believed, though, that his/her ban is to be attributed to his/her insane love for Brooke Hogan. However, in reality, he was tricked by David The Alaskan, a main target of the new rules. David's postwhorish past has angered more than 90 percent of Pulse citizens with his constant chatting of nonsense and screeching of "SMASH!", "SINNER, and "FLOP", not to mention "Redeem yourselves, for JOYCE is coming!".

However, David was granted a last minute reprieve from his board execution if he could find a fresh sacrifice for the Proboard Gods, who were unhappy with the number of board deaths, and wanted at least one more death for the time being. Cunningly, David saw the naive and innocent newly joined WOMEN R HOT as an easy target, tricked him/her, and breathed a sigh of relief as WOMEN R HOT was board executed, knowing that it could have been him/her. The admins and mods were pleased that the Proboard Gods were pleased with the amount of digital blood sacrificed. But have warned David, that this was his last chance.

Live Theo
On July 10, 2007, a series of live concerts will be held around the world across 7 continents to raise awareness of Theo deleting his account, dubbed as "Live Theo". Confirmed performers so far include David, Mpol, and Jordan.

Confirmed Performers So far

 * North America (New York City) - David, Rob64, MyLastView
 * Europe (Paris) - Reese, Adonis, 2m
 * Asia (Toyko)- Disco Cowboy, Kevin, Currentoptions
 * South America (Burritoville) - RuRu, Pablo, Tortuga
 * Africa (Johannesburg)- Kid Pulse, John77, Popmusicaddict
 * Australia (Australia)- Mpol, Pulse, Love Plastic Love
 * Antarctica (Penguin Heights) - Jordan, Oscillations, Legendtina

Cancellation
After Theo announced his triumphant return on July 9th, "Live Theo" was officially scrapped. However, there are UNCONFIRMED rumors that a similar concert may be held next month to celebrate the 1 month anniversary of DJ General leaving the Pulse Boards. Although not officially confirmed by her reps, there is a good possibility that Joyce herself will be making a cameo apperanace at the Antarctica venue (the only place where her album did not hit #1).

=Members List=

Notable celebrity members

 * Dr. Luke (writer/producer of Kelly Clarkson, Avril Lavigne and Pink; alleged plagiarist (The Rubinoos))
 * John Parker (CEO of Robbins Entertainment)
 * Joyce Drake (International sex symbol)

Other notable members

 * Disco Cowboy (The ONE and ONLY Diva of Dance. Enjoys making up wildly false stories about 'people' he 'knows'.)
 * XNS/beextina (The only black person who listens to Carrie Underwood. Enjoys dancing like a stripper to Beyonce tunes. Is coming to terms with his sexuality and ready to explore his gay side with his subtle question, "r u a homo"?)
 * Holy Cow (Cascada's only fan. Native of New Bedford who is neither a prostitute or a heroin addict. Like all New Bedfordians, has been exposed to underground radiation from PCB's.)
 * Oscillations (Voted Pulse's sexiest member. Sexy enough for America's Next Top Model. David agrees! Also, an occasional Empress of the Moon. Last but not least, her opinion = fiction in the Pulse world.
 * David (The Alaskan Sensation. Joined in August of 2006 and has over 12,000 posts. Was admired by DJ General for being such a postwhore. Averages about 600 posts a day. Confessed Legendtina lover.)
 * Pulse (Starts The Billboard Hot 100 thread)
 * RuRu (Latina Siren who wants a baby terribly badly.)
 * Bks (Posts The Billboard Hot 100. King of Awesomeness.)
 * Princess Peach/Reese (Hates peanut butter cups, but likes salty and bitter peaches. Is a tranny! Became a mod despite MyLastView's (and DJ General's) protests. Loves to be a dominatrix to her concubine, Professor XXIX.)
 * Kid Pulse (Girly dude who lurves PCD, hates P!nk yet loves Nickelback)
 * Mega248 (Is a girl, not a guy. Real name is Meg. "A" added at the end of her name to make it more feminine)
 * Greg (A rare breed of human, known as a "Mika Fan". Only two exist, and both are found on Pulse Music Board.)
 * 2m (Puts up with more immaturity than he should. Loves the Billboard charts. Brings fans to reality by stating the facts, and the facts only.)
 * reception (Can find any past article, regardless of how ancient they may be. Personality is comparable to a Maytag washing machine.)
 * Jordan (Wasn't alive when Mariah Carey's debut was released. Is the baby of the board, like a very annoying younger brother who follows you around and won't shut up, chanting "Kthx" (with a kiss) constantly. C-List PMB celebrity (which is still better than Kathy Griffith))
 * Professor XXIX (Extremely intelligent scholar who teaches Cassieology and also dabbles in Ameriecology at Pulse University. Princess Peach/Reese's concubine.)
 * Popmusicaddict (Loves R&B, gospel, soul, jazz, and funk. Does not like pop music. Known on the streets as the "One Minute Man" for obvious reasons.)
 * Mpol (Had a collection of kangaroo beanie babies, but sold them to sniff Pink's crotch)
 * Love Plastic Love (Bisexual Bipolar bear & every bit as cuddly.)
 * Tortuga (The "lost" member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
 * Max ((Loves to deride any Republican, no matter if their points are valid or not. His posts are unusually long-winded but compensate for that being overly short in substance.)
 * KikiMets (a simpstress from Queens who automatically bans anyone who disagrees with her, and who has been absent from the board since January 13, 2006, at which time it is believe she contracted AIDS. Despite appearing to the average Pulse Member to be around 38, she claimed to be in her early 20s.
 * JessieLou AKA Legendelly (Currently resides in the Polling Booth forum of the board. Her excessive bumping of old topics is no different from spamming. We really do still love her, though.)
 * The Gods Are Crazy! (Even though the gods are crazy, even though the stars are blind, if you show me real love baby I'll show you...)
 * Kevin (The only virgin left in Canada. Refuses to have sex or any type of sexual activity until marriage. That means he won't masturbate or even get a boner until he finds a husband. Randomly deleted his account on 7/7/07 due to severe sexual frustration; reactivated his account on 7/7/07 attributing the return to a need to start over. In other words, he was "reborn" after masturbating for the first time in his life.)
 * Adonis / C-Money Peach (Has the brightest teeth on the board, and muscles bigger than Aguiwhora's tits.)
 * jaxxalude (Oscillations' part-time lover/indie conspirator/the only person in Pulse that actually knows what or where Portugal is)
 * Wolfpack (A rare species known as a Gay Republican. Has known stalker named Isaidnonono. Always rocking the hottest avatars.)
 * Shooter/Sleeping In Beds With Boys! (The official Pulse insider. He knows everything about our favorite artists' moves, but he will reveal them little by little, over fear we might start riots in the threads. Is a freak at heart and will post a pic of his penis at the least provocation.)
 * Spooky21 (The official oreo of the board. Black on the outside, white on the inside. Wanted to be around more white people, so he moved to Europe. Had a relationship with Kevin, but broke up due to Kevin's vow of no sex before marriage (And Auggie ain't about to get married anytime soon, Fool!))
 * Jeffster (Creepy Middle-aged "Republic**t" Pedophile obsessed with Aly (of Aly & AJ), but not her ugly sister. Masturbates furiously whenever "The Potential Breakup Song" comes on the radio)
 * Becky (Becky Johnson, also known as "Buckwild" from Flavor Of Love and Charm School. Female Wigger who Loves R&B and Hip-Hop, but also Ashley Tisdale)

Un-notable members

 * Cbgmp (Looks like a lesbian, but still loves pussy...cats)
 * missclarkson - see TROLL; unable to process polysyllables.
 * Precious Illusions/Rob (Universally regarded as a complete flying asshole. Continually PMSing. Homophobic, yet comes into the Post Your Pics thread and does nothing but b***h then says, "More pics, less talking", when in fact he complains that he doesn't like looking at shirtless men, when that is the majority of the posts in that thread. So it is obvious that he likes looking at shirtless men. Rob is socially inept and picking on David is his way of "bonding" since he hopes they will be lovers someday)
 * Legendtina! (Aguilera's legendary troll. An intellegent troll, however. It's methods of trolling leave the moderators baffled, and left without a reason to ban it. Responsible for starting the (not well recieved) "LEGEND" name trend that lasted for a day or two.)
 * Pollyanna/Shannon (Beware of this Kelbot. She and doodlebug are reportedly BFFs)
 * doodlebug (Part of a dying species known as Claymates. Reportedly was in a lesbian relationship with Shannon, but that ended abruptly after Shannon allegedly had a fling with Max.)
 * actuallyinradio/circlecircledotdot (is actually NOT in radio, making him superior to all other members. Obviously somewhat interested in Jordan, as shown by his similar signature. Troll methods are similar to Legendtina's.)
 * Salem (A closet lamb and troll. Proceed with caution)
 * Picpak (Attemps to edit Uncylopedia, but his flop entries just get deleted.)
 * currentoptions/currentfloptions (Negative and volatile shadow of Craptina Faguleria. Pretends to be against racism and homophobia, but supports the homophobic Isaiah Washington because Isaiah is black like he is. Is an obsessed fan of Paris Hilton, although he hates to admit it.)
 * Azriel Drake (Posts occasionally in the dance forum, sometime about his own remix productions. Is beginning to make a name for himself in the wider community)
 * Winner2k (Criticizes the board for being a bunch of lunatics, but enjoys videotaping psycho bunnies killing people. Despite that, arguably has the most lickable bod as witnessed in the "Post Your Pics" page)

Who???

 * MyLastView (We've tried searching for a reason as to why he exists, but have always come up empty. The other child of Pulse Music Board. Enjoys flops such as Shut Up Stella, Jordan McCoy, and any female heard on Radio Disney. Featured in a flop Joyce Drake remake)
 * S.W. (Sole female contributor to dance forum. While others were mourning the board death of Theo, this b***h had the nerve to be happy. Someone get her an enema and a dildo quickly, so she can clear out both ends)

Memorial

 * DJ General (Is 8/16/24/45 years old )
 * Jennifa/Trannifa (Hindu spice who was permabanned back in May of 07.)
 * LuisRo (Lives on an island and eats coconuts and bananas. Suffers from extreme insecurity, exemplified throughout his posting career where he persistently brought a negative tone to anything that did not involve La Lopez. Deemed to be a homosexual due to his extreme love for skeletons and to his arrogant behavior, much to the chagrin of the gay community.)
 * Britnasty (Brooke Hogan's beard)
 * Theo (Back. The world breathes a sigh of apathy.)
 * Bigjlofan (Admistrater, which is actually a better position than administrator)
 * joker (Committed boardicide over fear of getting caught by Batman )
 * potter66 (Shania Twain's tampon)
 * gpduke aka Eric (Deleted his account after Chris Richardson was eliminated in Idol Survivor. Rumored to be dating Chris Richardson by that b***h S.W. in the dance forum. It is said they broke up when Chris met Blake.)
 * chrissy24 (Also known as Christina Aguilera's doormat. Caps-lock challenged. Has no knowledge of such things as punctuation, proper spelling, etc.)
 * Acetic Acid (Commited boardicide when Linkin Park lost the sexy survivor. Was resurrected as a DJ General wannabe.)

=Pulse Vocabulary=


 * TROLL
 * SINNER
 * FLOP!
 * SMASH!
 * LEGEND (INSERT MUSICIAN'S LAST FEW LETTERS OF THEIR NAME)

Quotes Regarding Pulse Music Board
=Link= For Further Joyce references:
 * http://pulsemusic.proboards48.com/
 * http://joycedrake.proboards51.com/index.cgi?