Muppet Story (LegalizeAnythingMuppets Style)

LegalizeAnythingMuppets's movie-spoof of the "Toy Story" film series.

Cast:
 * Woody - Bert (Sesame Street)
 * Buzz Lightyear - Ernie (Sesame Street)
 * Mr. Potato Head - Oscar the Grouch (Sesame Street)
 * Mrs. Potato Head - Grundgetta (Sesame Street)
 * Slinky Dog - Snuffy (Sesame Street)
 * Rex - Boober Fraggle (Fraggle Rock)
 * Hamm - Big Bird (Sesame Street)
 * Bo Peep - Prairie Dawn (Sesame Street)
 * Sarge - Chief O'Hara (Mickey Mouse)
 * Sarge's Soldiers - The Police Officer Army from "Officer Duck" (Mickey Mouse)
 * Andy Davis - Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)
 * Baby Molly - Maggie Simpson (The Simpsons)
 * Mrs. Davis - Wendy Darling (Peter Pan)
 * Sid - Max (Dragon Tales)
 * Hannah - Emmy (Dragon Tales)
 * Scud - Butch the Bulldog (Mickey Mouse)
 * RC - Bagheera (The Jungle Book)
 * Lenny - Zazu (The Lion King)
 * Mr. Shark - Mortimer Mouse (Mickey Mouse)
 * Snake - Kaa (The Jungle Book)
 * Robot - Donald Duck (Mickey Mouse)
 * Etch - Edd (Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy)
 * Mr. Spell - Grover (Sesame Street)
 * Rocky Gibraltar - Kent Powers (Quack Pack)
 * Frog - Kermit the Frog (The Muppets)
 * Ducky - Daffy Duck (Looney Tunes)
 * Yellow Soldier Toys - Brer Fox and Brer Bear (Song of the South)
 * Sally Doll - Polly Poo Poo (Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy)
 * Green Squeeze Alien Toys - Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes), Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm-Bamm Rubble (The Flintstones)
 * Combat Carl - Sonic the Hedgehog (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
 * Buster - Odie (Garfield)
 * Emperor Zurg - Pete (Mickey Mouse)
 * Wheezy - Flounder (The Little Mermaid)
 * Al McWhiggin - Abis Mal (The Return of Jafar)
 * Bullseye - Pluto (Mickey Mouse)
 * Jessie as Herself
 * Stinky Pete the Prospector - The Goatman (Mickey Mouse)
 * Geri the Cleaner - Geppetto (Pinocchio)
 * Utility Belt Buzz - Baloo (The Jungle Book)
 * Barbie - Minnie Mouse (Mickey Mouse)
 * Emily - Tinker Bell (Peter Pan)
 * Amy - Penny (The Rescuers)
 * Lots-O'-Huggin Bear - Shere Khan (The Jungle Book)
 * Ken Carson - Mickey Mouse (Mickey Mouse)
 * Big Baby - Jimmy (Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy)
 * Stretch - Dr. Ivo Robotnik (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
 * Twitch - Scratch (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
 * Chunk - Grounder (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
 * Sparks - Coconuts (The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
 * Cymbal Baning Monkey - Sir Hiss (Robin Hood)
 * Bookworm - Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio)
 * Chatter Telephone - Uncle Max (The Lion King 1/2)
 * Daisy - Alice (Alice in Wonderland)
 * Teenage Andy Davis - Jon Arbuckle (Garfield)
 * Young Molly - Jane Darling (Return to Never Land)
 * Lotso's Replacement - Tigger (Winnie the Pooh)
 * Jack-In-The-Box - Kanga and Roo (Winnie the Pooh)
 * Trixie - Nazz (Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy)
 * Dolly - Clarabelle Cow (Mickey Mouse)
 * Buttercup - Horace Horsecollar (Mickey Mouse)
 * Mr. Pricklepants - Fozzie Bear (The Muppets)
 * Chuckles the Clown - Grumpy (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
 * Peas-in-a-Pod - Millie and Melody Mouse (Minnie's Bow-Toons) and Max Goof (Mickey Mouse)
 * Bonnie - Elionwy (The Black Cauldron)
 * Bonnie's Mom - Adult Wendy Darling (Return to Never Land)
 * Broken Toy Train as Himself

Quotes

 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: [Bert/Woody, scared, walks backwards and he gets startled by Ernie/Buzz Lightyear. Ernie/Buzz Lightyear keeps talking to his "mission log"] And according to my navi-computer, the...
 * Bert/Woody: [whispering) SHUT UP! Just, SHUT UP, you idiot!
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert, this is no time to panic.
 * Bert/Woody: This is a perfect time to panic! I'm lost, Christopher Robin is gone, they're gonna move to their new house in two days, AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Mine? My fault? If you hadn't pushed me out of the window in the first place...
 * Bert/Woody: Oh yeah? Well, if *you* hadn't shown up with your stupid little cardboard spaceship and taken away everything that was important to me...
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Don't talk to me about importance! Because of *you*, the future of this entire universe is in jeopardy!
 * Bert/Woody: WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Right now, poised at the edge of the galaxy, Emperor Pete has been secretly building a weapon with the destructive capacity to annihilate an entire planet! I alone have information that reveals this weapon's only weakness. And *you*, my friend, are responsible for delaying my rendezvous with Star Command!
 * Bert/Woody: [pauses and looks incredulous] YOU! ARE! A! MUPPETTTTT! You aren't the real Ernie! You're - you're an Muppet action figure! [holds hand up to eyes indicating something small] You are a child's Muppet play thing!
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: You are a sad, strange little Muppet man, and you have my pity. [waves in military fashion] Farewell. [starts to walk away]
 * Bert/Woody: Oh, yeah? Well, good riddance, ya loony!


 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: What if Christopher Robin gets another Fraggle? A mean one? I just don't think I can take that kind of rejection!


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Hey, a laser! How come *you* don't have a laser, Bert?
 * Bert/Woody: It's not a laser! It's a... [sighs in frustration] It's a little light bulb that blinks.
 * Big Bird/Hamm: What's with him?
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Laser envy.


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head rearranges his facial features crazily] Hey, Big Bird. Look, I'm Picasso!
 * Big Bird/Hamm: I don't get it.
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: You uncultured bird! What're you lookin' at, ya hockey puck?


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Grundgetta, Grundgetta, Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta Grundgetta


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Did you all take stupid pills this morning? Have you forgotten what he did to Ernie?


 * Bert/Woody: Tuesday night's plastic corrosion awareness meeting, was I think, a big success. We'd like to thank Grover for putting that on for us. Thank you Grover.
 * Grover/Mr. Spell: [mechanically] You're. Welcome.


 * Bert/Woody: All right, that's enough! Look, we're all very impressed with Christopher Robin's new Muppet.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Muppet?
 * Bert/Woody: M-U-P-P-E-T, Muppet!
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Excuse me, I think the word you're searching for is "Space Ranger".
 * Bert/Woody: The word I'm searching for I can't say because there's Muppet toys present.


 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet.
 * Bert/Woody: Oh. Well, that's good.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: But we're not on my planet, are we?
 * Bert/Woody: No. Daaaah-oof! [Ernie/Buzz Lightyear attacks Bert/Woody] Okay, come on. You want a piece of me? [Ernie/Buzz Lightyear gets knocked down by Bert/Woody, he closes his helmet on Bert/Woody's hand]
 * Bert/Woody: Ow!


 * Bert/Woody: What chance does a Muppet like me have against a Ernie action figure?


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Oh, really? I'm from Sesame Street.
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: And I'm from Fraggle Rock. Well, I'm not really from Fraggle Rock, I'm actually from The Jim Henson Company that created Fraggle Rock for the Canadian border.


 * Chief O'Hara/Sarge: Maggie's first present is... Grundgetta! Repeat, Grundgetta!
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Way to go, Oscar!
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Gee, I'd better shave!


 * Bert/Woody: I think you've had enough tea for today, let's get you outta here, Ernie.


 * Ernie/Buzz: What's going on?
 * Bert/Woody: Nothing that concerns you Muppet space man, just us Muppets.
 * Ernie/Buzz: I'd better have a look anyway. [he looks through Zazu the binoculars] Why is that soldier strapped to an explosive device?
 * Bert/Woody: [moves Zazu] That's why. Max.
 * Ernie/Buzz: [seeing a dog] Sure is a hairy fella...
 * Bert/Woody: [re-moving the binoculars] No, no, that's Butch, you idiot. *That* is Max.
 * Ernie/Buzz: [Max/Sid is laughing maniacally] You mean that happy child?
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: That ain't no happy child!
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: He tortures Muppets - just for fun!


 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: Hey, everyone! Bagheera is trying to say something! What is it, boy?
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Saying that this was no accident.
 * Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: What do you mean?
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: I mean Humpty Dumpty was pushed by Bert!
 * Bert/Woody: Wait a minute. You don't think I meant to knock Ernie out of the window, do you, Oscar the Grouch?
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: That's *Mister* Oscar the Grouch to you, you back stabbing murderer!
 * Bert/Woody: Now, guys, it was an accident. C'mon, you-you've gotta believe me.
 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: We believe you, Bert. Right, Boober?
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: Well, I mean, uh, I don't like confrontations!
 * Chief O'Hara/Sarge: Where is your honor, dirtbag? You're an absolute disgrace! You don't deserve to... Hey!
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Couldn't handle Ernie cutting time on your playtime, could you, Bert? Didn't want to face the fact that Ernie just might be Christopher Robin's new favorite Muppet. So you got rid of him. But what if Christopher Robin start playing with me more, Bert, huh? You're gonna knock me out of the window too?
 * Big Bird/Hamm: I don't think we should give him a chance.
 * Chief O'Hara/Sarge: There he is, men! Grab him!
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Let's string him up by his pullstring.
 * Big Bird/Hamm: I'll get the hat!
 * Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: Will you guys just stop it?
 * Bert/Woody: No wait, please! I can explain everything!
 * Christopher Robin/Andy: Hey, mom! Be right there. I gotta go get Ernie.

[Ernie/Buzz runs towards the truck] [Ernie/Buzz climbs through the open window and jumps into the seat] [the Pizza Planet truck moves forwards sharply, Bert/Woody is tossed and thrown by the extreme motion of the truck as it speeds down the road and up a hill. Items start in the back of the truck start to tumble towards Bert/Woody, one of them being a heavy tool box]
 * Bert/Woody: [mocking Ernie/Buzz as they split-up] "Rendezvous with Star Command." [sees a delivery truck with a "Pizza Planet" logo on it] Pizza Planet? [enlightened] Christopher Robin! Oh, no! I can't show my face in that room without Ernie. [yelling to Ernie/Buzz] Ernie! Ernie, come back!
 * Ernie/Buzz: [walking out from under the truck, annoyed] Go away!
 * Bert/Woody: No! Ernie, you gotta come back! I... [Woody looks at the Pizza Planet delivery truck, and notices a miniature spaceship on the top] [calling] I found a spaceship! [Ernie/Buzz stops and looks at the delivery truck] [calling] It's a spaceship, Ernie!
 * Ernie/Buzz: [as the driver asks for directions] Now, you're sure this space freighter will return to its point of origin once it jettisons its food supply?
 * Bert/Woody: [nodding his head] Uh-huh. And when we get there, we'll find a way to transport you home.
 * Ernie/Buzz: Well, then, let's climb aboard.
 * Bert/Woody: No, no, no, wait, Ernie! Ernie! Let's get in the back. No one will see us there.
 * Ernie/Buzz: Negative. There are no restraining harnesses in the cargo area. We'll be much safer in the cockpit.
 * Bert/Woody: [whispering] Yeah, bu... Ernie! Ernie! Ernie! [the Pizza Planet truck's engine starts, Bert/Woody climbs into the back, and sees Ernie/Buzz attaching a seat belt] It's safer in the cockpit than the cargo bay. What an idiot.


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [while playing Battleship] Ah, ha. B-3.
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Miss. G-6.
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Aw, you sunk it! [Big Bird/Hamm chuckles] Are you peeking?
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Hey, quit your whining and pay up. [Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head pulls off one of his ears] No, no, not the ear. Gimme the nose.
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [pulls off his nose] How 'bout 3 out of 5?


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Son of a building block! It's Bert!


 * Bert/Woody: Hey, Ernie! You're flying!
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: This isn't flying, this is falling with style!

[Ernie/Buzz yells. Bert/Woody screams. Ernie/Buzz fires his "laser" at Bert/Woody]
 * Ernie/Buzz: Terrain seems a bit unstable. No readout yet if the air is breathable. And there seems to be no sign of intelligent life anywhere.
 * Bert/Woody: [sneaks up on Ernie/Buzz] Hello!
 * Bert/Woody: Hey hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Did I frighten you? Didn't mean to. Sorry. Howdy. My name... is Bert... and this... is Christopher Robin's room. That's all I wanted to say. And also, there has been a bit of a mix-up. This is my spot, see... the bed here.
 * Ernie/Buzz: [sees Bert/Woody's "Sheriff" star badge] Local law enforcement! It's about time you got here. I'm Ernie, Space Ranger, Universe Protection Unit. My ship has crash-landed here by mistake.
 * Bert/Woody: Yes, it is a mistake, because, you see, the bed here is my spot.
 * Ernie/Buzz: I need to repair my turbo boosters. Are you still using fossil fuels, or have you discovered crystallic fusion?
 * Bert/Woody: Well, let's see, we got double-A's.


 * Ernie/Buzz: I am Ernie; I come in peace.
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: [shaking Ernie/Buzz's hand] Oh, I'm so glad you're not a Fraggle!


 * Bert/Woody: [trying to get Ernie/Buzz into Maggie Simpson/Molly's stroller] It's a special spaceship, I just saw it.
 * Ernie/Buzz: You mean it has hyperdrive?
 * Bert/Woody: Hyperactive hyperdrive, and astro... uh... turf.

[slides under his ship with a skateboard]
 * Bert/Woody: Listen, lightsnack, you stay away from Christopher Robin. He's mine, and no one is taking him away from me.
 * Ernie/Buzz: What are you talking about? Where's that bonding strip?
 * Bert/Woody: [pulls him back out] And another thing, *stop* with this *spaceman* thing! It's getting on my nerves.
 * Ernie/Buzz: Are you saying you want to lodge a complaint with Star Command?
 * Bert/Woody: Oh-ho! O-okay, ooh, well, so you wanna do it the hard way, huh?
 * Ernie/Buzz: [gets out from under his ship] Don't even think about it, cowboy.
 * Bert/Woody: Oh yeah, tough guy?
 * Bert/Woody: [pushes Ernie/Buzz. Ernie/Buzz's helmet opens. Ernie/Buzz chokes gags]


 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: It's Max!
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: I thought he was at summer camp!
 * Big Bird/Hamm: They must've kicked him out early this year.

[snatches his hat away]
 * Bert/Woody: Hey, who's got my hat?
 * Mortimer Mouse/Mr. Shark: Look, I'm Bert! Howdy, howdy, howdy!
 * Bert/Woody: Ha-ha, ha-ha...
 * Bert/Woody: Gimme that!


 * Ernie/Buzz: Do you know these life forms?
 * Bert/Woody: Yes, they're Christopher Robin's Muppets.


 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: Mr. Ernie, now I'm curious... what does a space ranger actually do?
 * Bert/Woody: He's not a space ran-*ger*! He doesn't fight evil or, or... shoot lasers or fly.
 * Ernie/Buzz: Excuse me.
 * Ernie/Buzz: [Ernie/Buzz deploys his wings; all exclaim in excitement]
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Wow. Impressive wingspan. Very good.
 * Bert/Woody: Oh, what? What? These are plastic. He can't fly.
 * Ernie/Buzz: They are a terillium-carbonic alloy, and I *can* fly.
 * Bert/Woody: No, you can't.
 * Ernie/Buzz: [scoffs] Yes, I can.
 * Bert/Woody: Can't.
 * Ernie/Buzz: Can.
 * Bert/Woody: Can't, can't, ca-an't!
 * Ernie/Buzz: I tell you, I could fly around this room with my eyes closed!
 * Bert/Woody: Okay, Mr. Lightbeer, prove it.
 * Ernie/Buzz: All right then, I will.

[watching guests arrive for Christopher Robin's party] [boy turns around, revealing the full length of the box he's carrying]
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: Any Fraggle-shaped ones?
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Oh, for crying out loud, they're all in *boxes*, you idiot.
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: They're getting bigger...
 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Wait, there's a nice little one over there.
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex, Big Bird/Hamm, Snuffy/Slinky Dog, Oscar The Grouch/Mr Potato Head Grundgetta/Mrs Potato Head Grover/Mr Spell Zazu/Lenny Bagheera/RC: AAAAAHH!


 * Bert/Woody: You actually think you're *the* Ernie? Hey, look, everybody! It's the *real* Ernie!
 * Ernie/Buzz: You're mocking me, aren't you?
 * Bert/Woody: Oh no, no no no, no. - Ernie look, an alien!
 * Ernie/Buzz: Where?
 * Bert/Woody: [slaps knee and laughs hoarsely]


 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: I knew you were right all along, Bert. Never doubted you for a second.

[Muppets get up and surround the terrified Max/Sid] [Max/Sid screams and runs inside]
 * Bert/Woody: [through his voice box] Reach for the sky!
 * Max/Sid Phillips: Huh?
 * Bert/Woody: This town ain't big enough for the two of us!
 * Max/Sid Phillips: What?
 * Bert/Woody: Somebody's poisoned the waterhole!
 * Max/Sid Phillips: It's busted.
 * Bert/Woody: Who are you calling busted, Buster?
 * Max/Sid Phillips: Huh?
 * Bert/Woody: That's right! I'm talking to you, Max! We don't like being blown up, Max. Or smashed, or torn apart.
 * Max/Sid Phillips: [hyperventilating] W-we?
 * Bert/Woody: That's right, your Muppets!
 * Bert/Woody: From now on, you must take good care of your toys, because if you don't, we'll find out, Max!
 * Bert/Woody: [while turning head around slowly] We Muppets can see EVERYTHING!
 * Bert/Woody: [speaking and moving] So play nice!


 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: ROAR!
 * Bert/Woody: Hey, how ya doin', Boober.
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: [stops roaring] Were you scared? Tell me honestly.
 * Bert/Woody: I was close to being scared that time.
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: I'm going for fearsome here, but I just don't feel it! I'm think I'm just coming off as annoying.

[points to a doll's hat on his head] [laughs hysterically] [opens Ernie/Buzz's helmet, slaps Ernie/Buzz across the face with his detached arm, then closes the helmet] [breaks down again]
 * Bert/Woody: [thinks Ernie/Buzz has gone crazy] Let's get you out of here Ernie...
 * Ernie/Buzz: Don't you get it?
 * Ernie/Buzz: You see the hat? I am Mrs. Nesbitt!
 * Bert/Woody: Snap out of it, Ernie!
 * Ernie/Buzz: [calmly] I-I-I... you're right. I'm sorry, I am just a little depressed, that's all. I can get through this.
 * Ernie/Buzz: Oh, I'm a sham!

[Ernie/Buzz throws his broken-off arm to Bert/Woody]
 * Bert/Woody: Ernie, will you get up here and gimme a hand?
 * Bert/Woody: Ha-ha, ha-ha. That's real funny. THIS IS SERIOUS!

[camera pans out] [camera zooms back in]
 * Bert/Woody: Ernie? Ernie? You're not worried, are you?
 * Ernie/Buzz: Me? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Are you?
 * Bert/Woody: Now Ernie, what could Christopher Robin possibly get that is worse than you?
 * Christopher Robin/Andy: [from downstairs] Oh, oh, what is it? What is it? Wow, a puppy!
 * Bert/Woody, Ernie/Buzz: Heh, heh!


 * Zazu/Lenny the Binoculars: [Zazu/Lenny spots Bagheera/RC Car rocketing toward the open moving van] Hey, look! It's Bert and Ernie, comin' up fast!


 * Bert/Woody: [yelling through the heat duct] Help! Ernie! Guys!
 * The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: It's too late, Bert! That silly Bernie character can't help you.
 * Bert/Woody: His name is Ernie!
 * The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: Whatever. I've always hated those upstart Sesame Street Muppets.

[Snuffy/Slinky Dog's back half catches up with the group]
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Can we stop? My feet are killing me.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: How about a quick roll call? Everybody here?
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Not everybody.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Who's behind?
 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Mine...

[the Muppets are trying to enter an apartment building]
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: I say we stack ourselves up, push the intercom and pretend we're delivering a pizza.
 * Big Bird/Hamm: How about a ham sandwich? With fries and a hotdog?
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: What about me?
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Ah, you can be the toy that comes with the meal.


 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: We've been down this aisle already.
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: We haven't been down this aisle, it's pink.
 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Face it, we're lost.


 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: To Abis Mal's Magic Lamp... and beyond.


 * Abis Mal/Al McWiggin: So, uh, how long is this gonna take?
 * Geppetto/Geri the Cleaner: Ya can't rush art.


 * Big Bird/Hamm: Turn into the spin, Minnie!


 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Ernie, Ernie! My backend's going to Baton Rouge!


 * Bugs Bunny, Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm-Bamm Rubble/Alien toys: You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful.
 * Grundgetta/Mrs. Potato Head: You saved their lives? My hero! They're so adorable. Let's adopt them!
 * Bugs Bunny, Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm-Bamm Rubble/Alien toys: [Gathering around Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head] Daddy!

[we see a Minnie Mouse/Barbie backpack come out of the baggage room with The Goatman/the Prospector sitting in the netting in front] [Penny/Amy grabs her backpack and puts her Minnie Mouse/Barbie doll in. The doll's head is facing to the left of the screen] [Turns her face to reveal a bunch of make up on her cheek]
 * The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: Idiots! Children destroy Muppets. You'll be ruined, forgotten, spending eternity rotting on some landfill.
 * Bert/Woody: Well, Goatman Pete, I think it's time you learned the true meaning of playtime. [points to something off screen] Right over there guys!
 * The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: No, no, No!
 * Penny/Amy: [offscreen] Look, Minnie! A big ugly goat-doll! Ooh, he needs a makeover.
 * Minnie Mouse/Barbie: Hi, you'll like Penny.
 * Minnie Mouse/Barbie: She's an artist!

[sigh]
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert, stop this nonsense and let's go.
 * Bert/Woody: Nah, Ernie.
 * Bert/Woody: I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert, you're not a collector's item, you're a child's Muppet plaything. You are a *Muppet*!
 * Bert/Woody: For how much longer? One more rip, and Christopher Robin's done with me. And what do I do then, Ernie? Huh? You tell me.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a Muppet who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that Muppet because I believed him.
 * Bert/Woody: Well, you wasted your time.


 * Bert/Woody: You're right, Goatman. I can't stop Christopher Robin from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world.

[last spoken lines]
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: You still worried?
 * Bert/Woody: About Christopher Robin? Nah, it will be fun while it lasts.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: I'm proud of you, Bert.
 * Bert/Woody: Besides, when it all ends I'll have old Ernie to keep me company - for infinity and beyond.

[turns on T.V. and "Bert's Round-Up" video starts playing]
 * Bert/Woody: I know! It's okay, Ernie. I actually want to go.
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: What? Are you crazy?
 * Bert/Woody: Look, the thing is, I'm this rare "Sheriff Bert" doll, and these guys, are my - round-up gang.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert, what are you talking about?
 * Bert/Woody: What am I talking about? "Bert's Round-Up"! Oh, it's this great old T.V. show, and I was the star.
 * Bert/Woody: See, look, that's me!
 * Big Bird/Hamm: This is weirdin' me out.

[Bert/Woody goes to the yard sale]
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Where is he going? He's nuts!
 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: His arm ain't that bad!
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: Don't do it, Bert! We love you!


 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Bert once risked his life to save mine, and I couldn't call myself his friend if I wasn't willing to do the same. Now who's with me?


 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: It's the chicken man!
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: That's our guy!
 * Big Bird/Hamm: I knew there was somethin' I didn't like about that chicken.


 * Bert/Woody: I have no choice, Ernie. This is my only chance.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: To do what? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? Some life.


 * Bert/Woody: Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Muppets at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Grover's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay.


 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: I may not be a smart Snuffleupagus, but I know what roadkill is.


 * Minnie Mouse/Tour guide Barbie: And this is the Ernie aisle. Back in 1969, short-sighted retailers did not order enough dolls to meet demand.


 * The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: How long will it last, Bert? Do you really think Christopher Robin is going to take you to college, or on his honeymoon? Christopher Robin's growing up, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's your choice, Bert. You can go back, or you can stay with us and last forever. You'll be adored by children for generations.
 * Bert/Woody: [pets Pluto/Bullseye the Horse, then suddenly decides to stay] Who am I to break up the Roundup Gang?


 * Grundgetta/Mrs. Potato Head: [to Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head] I'm packing your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes just in case.

Jessie: You never forget kids like Tinker Bell, or Christopher Robin, but they forget you.

[Channel-surfing at breathtaking speed to find the Abis Mal's Muppet Barn ad]
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: Go back, go back, you missed it!
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Too late, I'm in the 40's, gotta go around the horn!


 * Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: [amorously] You're cute when you care.
 * Bert/Woody: [embarrassed] Prairie Dawn. Not in front of Ernie.

[She gives Ernie/Buzz a long kiss]
 * Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: This is for Bert, when you find him.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: [cough] Um, okay, but it won't be the same coming from me.


 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: What happened?
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [in disbelief] Bert's been shelved!


 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Don't worry, Bert. In just a few hours you'll be sitting around a campfire with Christopher Robin making delicious hot Schmoes.
 * Bert/Woody: [lamely] They're called "S'mores", Ernie.
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Yes, yes. Of course.

[he trips and falls face first into the backseat]
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: [Boober Fraggle/Rex is running to catch up with the toy car Minnie Mouse/Barbie is driving] Hey guys! Wait for me!
 * Minnie Mouse/Tour guide Barbie: Remain seated, please! Permanecer sentados, por favor!


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: I found it.
 * Bert/Woody: You found my hat?
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Your hat? No. The missus lost her earring. Oh my little sweet Grundgetta!
 * Grundgetta/Mrs. Potato Head: You found it! Oh, it's so nice to have a big, strong grouch around the house.

[slides down the slide and into the toy car]
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Excuse me, ladies, but could any of you tell us where we might the Abis Mal of Abis Mal's Muppet Barn?
 * Minnie Mouse/Tour guide Barbie: I can help!
 * Minnie MouseTour guide Barbie: I'm Tour Guide Minnie Mouse! Please keep your hands, arms, and accessories in the car, and no flash photography. Thank you.
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: I'm a married grouch, I'm a married grouch...
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Then make way for the single fellas.

[Bert/Woody explains his newfound past to his old friends]
 * Bert/Woody: Oh, you should have seen it. There was a record player. And a yo-yo. Ernie, I was a yo-yo!
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: [to Big Bird/Hamm] WAS?


 * Bert/Woody: [Jessie shuts off the TV as the "Bert's Roundup" episode ends] Hey, w-wait, What happened? What happens next? Come on, let's see the next episode!
 * The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: That's it.
 * Bert/Woody: What?
 * The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: The show was cancelled after that.
 * Bert/Woody: Wait, wait, wait. What about the gold mine and... and the cute little critters and the dynamite? That was a great show! I mean, why cancel it?
 * The Goatman/Stinky Pete the Prospector: Two words: Rubber duckie. Once the rubber duckies were very popular, children only wanted to play with bath toys.
 * Bert/Woody: ...I know how that feels.

[Edd/Etch-A-Sketch draws Bert/Woody] [Edd/Etch-A-Sketch draws Abis Mal/Al with a long beard] [Edd/Etch-A-Sketch redraws Abis Mal/Al without a beard] [Refers to their toy reconstruction of the driveway] [pushes a toy car to the left] [pushes the toy car right] Big Bird/Hamm: Hey, put a cork in it! [Boober Fraggle/Rex walks through, destroying their model] [they bicker]
 * Big Bird/Hamm: All right, let's review this one more time. At precisely 8:32-ish, Exhibit A, Bert, was kidnapped.
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Exhibit B, a composide sketch of the kidnapper.
 * Prairie Dawn/Bo Peep: He didn't have a beard like that.
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Fine. Uh, Etch, give him a shave.
 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: The kidnapper was bigger than that.
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Oh, picky, picky, picky.
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Oh, let's just go straight to Exhibit F! The kidnapper's vehicle.
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Now the vehicle fled the scene in this direction.
 * Big Bird/Hamm: Oh, your parts are in backwards! It went the other way!
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: Hey, how do you spell F-B-I?
 * Big Bird/Hamm: My crime scene!
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: I didn't know this was a crime scene!
 * Ernie/Buzz Lightyear: Excuse me, excuse me, a little quiet please! Thank you.

[Both see the janitor dropping a toy train down the trash chute]
 * Bert/Woody: [Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone rings. Bert/Woody picks up phone] Hello?
 * Uncle Man/Chatter Telephone: You shouldn't have come back cowboy. They've cracked down hard since you left. More guards, more patrols, you and your friends ain't ever getting out of here now.
 * Bert/Woody: I made it out once.
 * Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: You got LUCKY once. Want my advice? Keep your heads down, you'll survive.
 * Bert/Woody: Yeah, for how long?
 * Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: I've been here years, they'll never break me. There's only one way Muppets leave this place.
 * Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: Poor fella. Trash truck comes at dawn, then it's off to the dump.
 * Bert/Woody: Look, I appreciate your concern old-timer, but we have a kid waiting for us. Now, we're leaving. If you'd help us, one Muppet to another, I'd sure be grateful.
 * Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: [pause] Well... if you're gonna get out, first things you're gonna get through is the doors. Locked every night, inside and out, keys are left on a hook in the office.
 * Bert/Woody: Got it. What else?
 * Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: The Grinch has trucks patrolling all night long. Hallway, lobby, playground...
 * Bert/Woody: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but what about the wall?
 * Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: Eight feet high; cinder block; No way through it. You go over, or under.
 * Bert/Woody: That's it? It doesn't seem so bad.
 * Uncle Max/Chatter Telephone: It's not. Your REAL problem's Sir Hiss. Sir Hiss's the eye in the sky. He sees everything... classrooms, hallways, even the playground. You can unlock doors, sneak past guards, climb the wall, but if you don't take out that snake you ain't going nowhere. You want to get out of here... GET RID OF THAT SNAKE!

[hugs the aliens]
 * Grundgetta/Mrs. Potato Head: You saved our lives!
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: And *we* are eternally grateful!
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: My boys!
 * Bugs Bunny, Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm-Bamm Rubble/Aliens: Daaaaaady!


 * Big Bird/Hamm the Piggy Bank: Hey, where's that fur-ball Grinch?
 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Yeah, I'd like to loosen his stitching.
 * Bert/Woody: Forget it, guys. He's not worth it.


 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Remember all that bad stuff I said about Christopher Robin's attic? I take it all back.
 * Snuffy/Slinky Dog: Ya darn-tootin'
 * Big Bird/Hamm the Piggy Bank: You said it!


 * Bert/Woody: Hey, if any of you get to Disney Parks, you tell 'em Bert made it home.
 * Clarabelle Cow/Dolly: You came from Disney Parks?
 * Nazz/Trixie: But how'd you escape?
 * Bert/Woody: Well, it wasn't easy. I... What do you mean "escape"?
 * Fozzie Bear/Mr. Pricklepants: Disney Parks is a place of ruin and despair, ruled by an evil green guy who impersonated Santa Claus.
 * Bert/Woody: Wh...? The Grinch?
 * Horace Horsecollar/Buttercup: The guy may seem green on the outside, but inside, he's a monster!
 * Bert/Woody: But, how'd you know that?
 * Fozzie Bear/Mr. Pricklepants: Grumpy... he'll tell you.
 * Grumpy/Chuckles: Yeah, I knew The Grinch. He was a good character. A friend. Me and him, we had the same kid: Martha May Whovier. I was there when the Grinch got unwrapped. Martha May Whovier loved us all. But the Grinch... the Grinch was special. They did everything together. Never seen a kid and character more in love. One day we took a drive, hit a rest stop, had a little playtime. After lunch, Martha May Whovier fell asleep. She never came back. The Grinch wouldn't give up. It took forever, but we finally made it back to Martha May Whovier's. But by then, it was too late. Something changed that day inside the Grinch. Something snapped.
 * The Grinch/Lotso: She replaced us! Come on!
 * Grumpy/Chuckles: No, she didn't replace you!
 * The Grinch: SHE REPLACED ALL OF US, DIDN'T SHE? [grabs Jimmy/Big Baby from climbing up to Martha May Whovier's window and snatches Martha May Whovier's pendant away from him] She don't love you no more! NOW COME ON!
 * Grumpy/Chuckles: We were lost, cast-off, unloved, unwanted. Then we found Disney Parks. But the Grinch wasn't my friend anymore. He wasn't anyone's friend. He took over Disney Parks and rigged the whole system.
 * Bert/Woody: So, how'd you get out?
 * Grumpy/Chuckles: I got broke. Jane found me, took me home. Other characters... they weren't so lucky. It ain't right what the Grinch done. New characters... they don't stand a chance.

[Scratch/Twitch, Grounder/Chunk and likely Coconuts/Sparks as well looked at each other, starting to doubt the Grinch's leadership] [Bert/Woody pulls out Mary May Whovier/Daisy's tag attracting Jimmy/Big Baby's attention] [Bert/Woody tosses the tag to the other side of the open dumpster. Jimmy/Big Baby picks it up and looks at it] [The Grinch/Lotso snatches the tag away] [The Grinch/Lotso smashes the tag with his mallet] [Dr. Ivo Robotnik/Stretch starts shoving the Muppets and Mickey Mouse/Ken Carson & Minnie Mouse/Barbie in the dumpster, then The Grinch/Lotso addresses his cronies. He poked Jimmy/Big Baby hard in the stomach with his cane as Scratch/Twitch, Grounder/Chunk and Coconuts/Sparks watch in shock] [Suddenly, Jimmy/Big Baby lifts The Grinch/Lotso into the air, making him drop his mallet] [Jimmy/Big Baby throws The Grinch/Lotso in the dumpster] [Jimmy/Big Baby blows a raspberry directly at The Grinch/Lotso.]
 * Mickey Mouse/Ken Carson: Everyone, listen! Disney Parks can be real cool and groovy if we just treat each other fair. It's the Grinch! He turns us into a pyramid and he put himself on top!
 * The Grinch/Lotso: Anyone concur with Mickey?
 * The Grinch/Lotso: I didn't throw you away. Your kid did. Ain't one kid ever loved a Muppet, really. Chew on that when you're at the dump.
 * Bert/Woody: Wait. What about Mary May Whovier?
 * The Grinch/Lotso: I don't know what you're talking about.
 * Bert/Woody: Mary May Whovier? You used to do everything with her?
 * The Grinch/Lotso: Yeah, then she threw us out.
 * Bert/Woody: No, she lost you.
 * The Grinch/Lotso: She *replaced* us!
 * Bert/Woody: She replaced *you*, and if you couldn't have her, then no one could! You lied to Jimmy and you've been lying ever since!
 * The Grinch/Lotso: Where'd you get that?
 * Bert/Woody: She loved you, Grinch.
 * The Grinch/Lotso: She never *loved* me!
 * Bert/Woody: As much as any kid ever loved a character.
 * Jimmy/Big Baby: Mama.
 * The Grinch/Lotso: What? You want your mommy back? She never loved *you*! Don't be such a BABY!
 * The Grinch/Lotso: Push 'em in! All of them!
 * The Grinch/Lotso: This is what happens when you dummies try to think! WE'RE ALL JUST TRASH WAITIN' TO BE THROWN AWAY! THAT'S ALL A CHARACTER IS!
 * The Grinch/Lotso: Hey, stop it! Put me down, you idiot!
 * The Grinch/Lotso: AAAAH! No! No, wait a minute, Jimmy! Wait!
 * Boober Fraggle/Rex: He's gone!
 * Oscar the Grouch/Mr. Potato Head: Holy cow.