Talk:Ranma Fanfiction: Meeting Later 14

Hi Trent,

First impressions of the read through. First, there are a few word choice issues, but that's minor. Some editing will clarify what you meant. I read somewhere that if you give people access to your work they will destroy it utterly. Okay, here comes the destruction:

1.) The entire scene between Ninomiya and Shika is unnecessary and should not be in this chapter. If you must have it, it would be more logical to have it in chapter 15.  Why?  Well, one, there's a continuity error.  How did both women know that the engagement happened that day?  Sure, they could have been informed by Soun earlier, but it seems rather abrupt that they just show up and have a cat fight.   It also does nothing to further the main plot line, which is the sexual tension between Ranma and Akane after the engagement was made official.  It could be used as a tension builder later, but at this moment detracts from the good flow and character growth you've been developing.

2.) Your interaction scenes between Ranma and Akane are a bit dry. They've just slept with each other, found out they were engaged, and have this promise forming a barrier between them.  There would be a lot more... tension that is displayed in this chapter.

Your love dome scene was great. In my opinion, this chapter should start with the dinner scene, then cut quickly to the Nabiki/Akane bedroom chat (off screen) and the Ranma/Akane inadvertent insult. Then, go immediately to school and the love dome. From there, if you must, you can have the cat fight between the two adults over Soun. It would make much more sense (Akane's home room teacher finds out that Akane's now engaged, and to whom, and goes to give her congratulations) and Shika just happens to show up at roughly the same time for similar reasons.

Cat fight ensues. Also, Akane/Ranma can deal with the anger and repercussions of his declaration in the love dome.

Okay, you asked for it!

196.201.200.248 19:25, 27 March 2009 (UTC)Fluckduffy