Thomas/Hieeee (by Alaska Thunderf*ck)

Cast

 * Thomas as Alaska Thunderf*ck

Lyrics
Greetings... My name's yours... What's Alaska?

Everybody, welcome to the show The rules of engagement are really quite simple So if you could pull yourself away from Grindr for two seconds, listen up

The use of flash photography is strictly mandatory Do you think I look like this just so I can exist in your feeble memory? HA! Take a picture and I'll last forever! Get your drinks now, people The more you drink, the prettier we look

Is this your boyfriend, honey? Not anymore Tipping is compulsory If you don't know what compulsory means, I'll spell it out for you Tip. These. Men!

It takes a lot of money to look this cheap, darling! Be kind to your entertainers If you see a flaw, squint If you see a bulge, don't be mad! Some of the most beautiful women in the world have gigantic pen*ses! If you see something you don't like Something unseemly or offensive Something vile or disgusting We'll be happy to take your complaints after the show At the corner of 'f*ck you and go f*ck yourself avenue.com!' I'll see you there! Bring a sweater

If you think you can do better, sweetheart, I implore you Put on a wig and mash your mouth around to other people's music for 4 and a half minutes It's not as easy as it looks! Do you need a hairpiece? Here, you can borrow mine!

Show generosity to these monstrosities! Respect, kindness, compassion! And most of all Whenever possible Tell us we look gorgeous Tell us we look gorgeous Tell me I look gorgeous! Do I look gorgeous? (YEAH!) Okay, but how about s*xy? (YEAH!) Okay, alright, but how about sensual? (YEAH!) Alright, but how about breathtaking? Jeez! (YEAH!) I swear it's like pulling teeth to get a little tiny compliment out of you people! Now let's review everybody

Your makeup is terrible If you're not wearing nails, you're not doing drag Don't ever touch my hair Anus I love your p*ssy Give me all your money Absolutely! Come on nature! Come on natch! Come on build-up! OKURRRR?!