Thomas & Friends The Trackmaster Series: Episode 77: Gordon & The Bears

Plot
Duck and James go camping, much to Gordon's dismay, and warn him about giant bears.

Featured Characters

 * Duck
 * James
 * Gordon
 * Giant Bear

Transcript

 * Gordon: [puffs into the shed with nightgown, book, and cup of tea] Ahh, finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend. [gestures to "Dance Quarterly" calendar on wall] This is the weekend that Duck and James go camping. Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back? [thought bubble appears over Squidward]
 * James: [in Gordon's thoughts, puffing along with Duck, both have camping gear strapped to their backs] Duck, I'm scared! [thought bubble disappears]
 * Gordon: Ho-ho, that would be great! [closes his eyes] You've waited a long time for this! A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no.... [laughs just like Duck and imitates his laughing face] da-a-a-a-a, da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! [hears Duck's real laugh outside] What the....? [goes outside to find Duck and James outside the shed, with a tent beside them, complete with sleeping bags and books, the two are laughing] Duck! Aren't you two supposed to be camping?
 * Duck: We are camping.
 * Gordon: Duck, it's not camping if you're in our sheds. [camera zooms out to show tent's location]
 * Duck: Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us?
 * Gordon: No.
 * Duck: Okay. Have fun inside. [Gordon leaves; Duck and James giggle again]
 * Gordon: [returns] What do you mean, "have fun inside"?
 * Duck: Just.... have fun inside! See you tomorrow.
 * Gordon: Oh. Bye. [exits; Duck and James resume laughing; Gordon returns again and gasps] You little sneak! I see what you're doing!
 * Duck: What?
 * Gordon: Don't think I can't see what you're doing!
 * Duck: What?
 * Gordon: You're saying I can't take it!
 * Duck: But all I....
 * Gordon: Aah. You're saying I'm soft! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is never gonna happen! There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers! So, get used to it! [exits tent]
 * Duck: Okay. Have fun inside!
 * Gordon: [loud voice] That's it! I'm in! I'll show you camping! [runs into Tidmouth Sheds]
 * Duck: [to James] Gordon's gonna come camping with us! [both giggle]
 * Gordon: [emerges with large camping backpack on the top of him] Now you'll see how a real.... ugh! [falls on his side,the immense backpack falls off him as well] ....outdoorsengine does it! [gets back on the rails; pulls pouch from backpack] Here we are, my remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn. [Duck watches, BJ and Eric Cartman give James a notepad and a pair of half-moon glasses; Gordon's crew tosse pouch into the air and Donkey Kong presses the remote, but the power fizzles and the rail-tent appears, unassembled in a pile on the ground]
 * Duck: That was great, Gordon, but how do you get inside the tent?
 * James: Yeah, it's all crushy-looking.
 * Gordon: It isn't put up yet, you idiots! [grumbles, as he biffs the tent with his buffers]
 * Duck: [still acting like he and James are taking notes] Customization!
 * James: Genius!
 * [Gordon beats on the tent with a frieght car]
 * Duck: He's tenderizing the ground!
 * James: Of course!
 * [Gordon is still struggling with the tent]
 * Duck: Write that down, write that down! [Gordon still appears to be taking notes, but there is just a tic-tac-toe game in progress on his notepad]
 * Gordon: [gives the pile a huge biff; it automatically becomes an assembled tent] Huh? Voila! [the perfect tent collapses to pile form again; Gordon pushes it out of the way] But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? [Randy Marsh takes a lone blanket and places it on the ground; Duck and James applaud vigorously] Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right?
 * Duck: [laughs] Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows. [Kyle pulls out "Marsh King" bag and pops a marshmallow into Duck's mouth] Mmm.... just like the astronauts eat.
 * James: [has round fishbowl over his head like the helmet of an astronaut suit; imitates static noise] James to Duck. James to Duck. Do you read me? Over.
 * Duck: [also has "helmet"; imitates static noise] Duck to James. I read you. Over.
 * James: [static] James to Duck. I like going [static]. Over.
 * Duck: [static] Duck to James. [static] Me too.
 * James: [static]
 * Duck: [static]
 * [the two repeat noises, Gordon looks immensely annoyed]
 * Duck: [static] Duck to James. Help yourself. Over. [holds out Marsh King bag]
 * James: Yummy! [Cartman takes marshmallow and crams it into James' mouth, smashing his "helmet"] James to Duck. The deliciousness has landed!
 * Gordon: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows, but I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Buffer Balls [holds up can so we can read its label], just as soon as I can get my can opener.
 * Duck: But Gordon, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?
 * Gordon: Why would I bother? We're from our sheds.
 * Duck: But this is the wilderness! It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit.
 * James: Pretty weenie....
 * Gordon: All right, all right, gimme a marshmallow.
 * [Gordon's crew begin toasting his marshmallow lightly. James, sitting across from Gordon, sets his on fire and tries to blow on it to cool it down, but the marshmallow flies off and hits Gordon in the face. James gets another marshmallow and repeats the same thing twice. After two marshmallows to the face, Gordon tries to get a huge toy wall, but the third marshmallow has a boomerang effect and hits Gordon in the funnel.]
 * Gordon: Okay. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?
 * Duck: Well, after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song. I call this one "The Campfire Song Song". ♪Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song. And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong but it'll help if you just sing along.....♪
 * James: ♪Bum! Bum! Bum!♪
 * Duck and James: [James slightly behind Duck in the words] ♪C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!♪
 * Duck: ♪And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong but it'll help if you just sing along....♪
 * James: ♪Sing another song....♪
 * Duck: ♪C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song♪ James!
 * James: ♪SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E…♪
 * Duck: ♪Gordon! [silence] Good! It'll help… it'll help… If you just sing along! Oh yeah!♪ Ahh, now, wasn't that relaxing?
 * Gordon: No! This is relaxing. [his crew holds up clarinet and Gordon begins badly playing "Kumbaya"; Duck and James look alarmed]
 * Duck: Oh no! I'll save you, Gordon! [Kyle picks up marshmallow and slingshots it at Gordon; it goes up his clarinet and sticks in the back of his throat; Duck comes over to assist him] Gordon, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better?
 * Gordon: BETTER?! I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!
 * Duck: But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract.... a giant bear.
 * Gordon: [in a low, cautious tone] A giant bear? You mean like the ones that.... DON'T EXIST?!
 * Duck: What are you saying?
 * Gordon: There's no such thing! They're just a myth.
 * Duck: Oh no, Gordon, sea bears are all too real. It says so in the Island of Sodor Inquirer. [holds up cheesy tabloid newspaper]
 * Gordon: [reads cover story] "I Married a Giant Bear"?
 * James: Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly!
 * Gordon: [reads] "Giant Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
 * James: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!
 * Duck: James' right, Gordon. Giant bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin...
 * Gordon: You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the giant bears away?
 * Duck: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
 * Gordon: Okay. Then what?
 * Duck: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.
 * James: Flashlights are their natural prey.
 * Gordon: You're kidding.
 * Duck: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
 * James: Yeah.
 * Gordon: Go on.
 * Duck: Don't ever eat cheese.
 * Gordon: Sliced or cubed?
 * Duck: [whispers with James] Cubed. Sliced is fine.
 * James: Yeah, yeah, and?
 * Duck: Never wear a sombrero....
 * James: ....in a goofy fashion!
 * Duck: Or clown shoes.
 * James: Or a hoop skirt.
 * Duck: And never....
 * James: Ever....
 * Duck: Ever....
 * James: Duh!
 * Duck and James: ....screech like a chimpanzee!
 * Gordon: Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a giant bear off!
 * Duck and James: [huddling together, shuddering] They're horrible!
 * Gordon: And.... and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger.
 * Duck and James: Why?
 * Gordon: I don't know.... [runs off and returns with a flashlight and tray full of cubed cheese on his footplate; a diabolical look is on his face] Just a feeling!
 * Duck: [horrified] No.
 * Gordon: Yes.
 * Duck: No.
 * [Gordon begins making chimp noises]
 * Duck and James: Gordon, please don't!
 * [Gordon continues hooting and waving flashlight around]
 * James: Duck, what are we gonna do? A giant bear's sure to come and eat us!
 * Duck: Don't worry, James. I'll draw us an anti-giant-bear circle in the dirt. [Kyle takes stick and draws circle around Duck and James]
 * James: Good thinking! All the experts say it's the only defense against a giant bear attack.
 * Gordon: [laughing] You guys are so gullible. See? I did everything that attracts a giant bear, and nothing happened. If sea bears really exist, why didn't one show up?
 * SpongeBob: Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.
 * Squidward: Oh, pfft. Sorry, how silly of me! You mean like this? [Squidward tilts his sombrero to the right, laughing, but something off-screen takes the hat and turns it upside-down instead]
 * SpongeBob: No. Like that.
 * [camera zooms out to show the sea bear that inverted Squidward's sombrero; it looks like a giant fish with the head of a bear and claws on its fins; it begins to maul [off-camera] the screaming Squidward while SpongeBob and Patrick are still huddled inside their anti-sea-bear circle]
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay?
 * Squidward: [looking bruised and battered] No.
 * SpongeBob: Quick! Jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back!
 * Patrick: Yeah. Sea bears often attack more than once.
 * Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster. I'm running for my life!
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: No!!
 * [the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
 * SpongeBob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that!
 * Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: No!!
 * [the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
 * SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running!
 * Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have....
 * [the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
 * SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling.
 * [the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
 * Squidward: What'd I do that time?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you.
 * Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!
 * SpongeBob: Here, draw a circle. [tosses Squidward the stick]
 * Squidward: Okay.
 * [the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
 * SpongeBob: That was an oval. It has to be a circle!
 * Squidward: [runs and climbs on top of SpongeBob and Patrick, who are still sitting in the circle] Move over! [the sea bear comes up to the circle, sniffs it, points a threatening claw at Squidward, and leaves] Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! [everyone cheers "hooray"]
 * SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros!
 * Squidward: What attracts them?
 * Patrick: The sound of a sea bear attack.
 * [a modified rhinoceros with fins appears, snorting]
 * SpongeBob: Heh. Good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments, heh heh. Right, Squidward?
 * Squidward: Huh?