You Can't Win (RS Mr. Conductor and Friends episode)

You Can't Win is the fourth episode of the fourth season of RS Mr. Conductor the Conductor and Friends, and the eighty-second episode overall. It is a parody of the Thomas and Friends episode of the same name.

Cast

 * Doc (from Snow White as Duke
 * Grumpy (from Snow White) as Sir Handel/Falcon
 * Happy (from Snow White) as Peter Sam/Stuart
 * RS Mr. Conductor (from Shining Time Station) as Thomas (cameo)
 * Ten Cents (from TUGS) as Bertie (cameo)
 * Didi Pickles (from Rugrats) as The Refreshment Lady (cameo)
 * Everyone else as Themselves

Transcript
Narrator: "Doc is the hero of all the TV Characters. This is a story about him.

It happened long ago when Happy and Grumpy used to work with Doc on his old land. Many people came year after year to see the mountains and the lakes and most of all, Doc.

He always took his flowers, even on days when he didn't feel well."

Doc: "I mustn't disappoint my friends."

Narrator: "He would say.

Every morning he took his passengers up the road and stopped anywhere they wanted."

Doc: "Peep, peep!"

Narrator: "He whistled."

Doc: "Please be ready when I come back to you. Otherwise we might miss your boat to the mainland and that would never do."

Narrator: "One day, Doc didn't feel well. He was short of strength and glad of a rest. His driver and fireman had just finished clearing his body when Happy bustled up."

Happy: "Hello, Grandwarf."

Narrator: "He teased."

Happy: "Are you short of strength."

Doc: "Nothing of the sort. This is routine maintenance."

Happy: "Tell you what."

Narrator: "Went on Happy."

Happy: "You getting old. We must take care of you in case you get hurt."

Doc: "Hmmph!"

Narrator: "Hooshed Doc."

Doc: "That'll be the day!"

Narrator: "Doc couldn't stay cross for long. It was a lovely evening."

Doc: "Couldn't be better. Couldn't be better."

Narrator: "He guntered happily.

They began to climb, but Doc didn't mind."

Doc: "I've plenty of strength."

Narrator: "He puffed."

Doc: "We'll be up in a couple of puffs."

Narrator: "But soon, Doc's puffs changed to wheezes. His body was leaking strength."

Doc: "It's not so easy. It's not so easy."

Narrator: "He croaked."

Doc: "But I'll manage."

Narrator: "At last, they reached the station.

Doc's driver examined him carefully. Anxious passengers waited for new."

Guard: "Doc is going to take you to the harbor, but he might be late."

Narrator: "Said the guard."

Guard: "So two dwarfs are coming to help. You'll still catch your boat."

Narrator: "Grumpy went up in front."

Grumpy: "Poor old Grandwarf. What a shame you've gotten hurt."

Happy: "Peep, peep, peep!"

Narrator: "Teased Happy."

Happy: "This is the day."

Narrator: "He was coupled up behind."

Grumpy: "Are you ready?"

Narrator: "Whistled Grumpy."

Happy: "Yes, I am."

Narrator: "Replied Happy, and away they went.

When they reached the next station, the cavalcade split up.

Grumpy took Doc's passengers to the boat.

Happy headed Grumpy's line, with Doc coupled behind."

Happy: "Fancy me rescuing Grandwarf! This is the day! This is the day!"

Narrator: "He boasted."

Happy: "Poor old dwarf! Poor old dwarf!"

Narrator: "But Doc still had plenty of strength left in him. His body sounded worse then it was. He and his driver had their own little joke ready.

They waited until they reached the hill."

Doc's Driver: "Now!"

Narrator: "Said his driver. Doc puffed and roared as though he was pushing the whole line's weight before him. The noise echoed everywhere.

When they reached the last station, everyone cheered."

Boy: "What happened?"

Narrator: "Asked a boy."

Boy: "They don't usually need two characters."

Father: "Well,"

Narrator: "Replied his father."

Father: "Happy hurt himself. Doc had to help him. It sounds as if he had a hard job too."

Narrator: "Doc and his driver's joke had worked."

Happy: "Fiddlesticks!"

Narrator: "Exclaimed Happy, and he vanished in a cloud of steam. Doc wheezed alongside."

Doc: "Poor old dwarf!"

Narrator: "He teased."

Doc: "It's no good, Happy. You can't win!"